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  • Got The Message But Didn’t Get The Message

    | MI, USA | Extra Stupid, Strangers

    (I have recently gotten a new phone, and therefore a new number. I keep getting voicemails for the previous owner of the number, mostly from the same person who leaves no contact info. I finally make this greeting:)

    Greeting: “You have reached [My Name], NOT [Previous Owner]. Again, this is NOT [Previous Owner]. If you have a message for [My Name], please leave it after the beep.”

    (A couple days later, I get this message:)

    Caller: “Hi, [Previous Owner] or [My Name] or whoever this is. I need Grandma’s bank statement. Can you get back to me? Thanks.”

    (That was the last call I got. I wonder if she thought Previous Owner was pulling a prank or if she really thought a stranger could get her that information!)

    He Can Hop Along Back To Jerksville

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Strangers

    (I am a large woman, but I am quite graceful and a pretty good dancer. I typically have a good time at these swing dances, but always encounter at least one jerk who doesn’t want to dance with the ‘fat girl.’ This night was no exception.)

    Jerk: “Man, all of the girls tonight are newbies. None of them know how to Lindy!”

    Me: “Oh, I love the Lindy Hop! It’s one of my favorites! Want to dance next song?”

    Jerk: *snorts* “As IF I would dance with a cow like you! Stop trying to impress me by lying. I’m not interested.”

    (At that moment, my friend, who is one of my favorite dance partners, walks by and stops dead in his tracks.)

    Friend: “I’ll dance with you, [My Name].”

    Jerk: “Come on, dude. She can’t dance!”

    Friend: “I’ll take my chances.”

    (We went out to the middle of the floor and we did a very complicated routine, all the while not breaking eye contact with the jerk. About half an hour later…)

    Jerk: “So… do you want to—”

    Me: “Nah. Remember, I can’t dance!”

    Some Strangers Slither Right Up To You

    | USA | Pets & Animals, Strangers

    (I am buying a guinea pig and am pretty excited. The clerk has gone to get it for me when a woman in her late 50s, a stranger, comes up beside me.)

    Strange Woman: “Just bought one?”

    Me: *happily* “Yes!”

    Strange Woman: “Mmm. I wonder if they’ll… you know… feed them to the snakes?”

    Me: “…uh.”

    Strange Woman: “I’d feed them to my snakes… if I had some…” *walk away*

    The Situation Has Gone To The Dogs

    | PA, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Neighbours, Pets & Animals

    (I’m at the state park at a public pet adoption event with lots of different rescue organizations. My a**hole neighbor is there looking at a Pit Bull rescue’s booth.)

    Volunteer: “We have a lot of dogs right now looking for homes!”

    Neighbor: “I’m looking for a female puppy. I got one two years ago, and she needs

    a friend.”

    Volunteer: “Well, we’ve got five up for adoption right now…” *starts tapping

    on iPad to bring up pictures*

    Me: “Don’t even bother showing them to him.”

    Volunteer: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “He has two Pits already: A male and a female, plus a coonhound. The dogs are vicious and have already killed his daughter’s cat and one of his mother-in-law’s cats.”

    Neighbor: “What the f*** are you going on about?”

    (The volunteer looks confused.)

    Me: “I live in the opposite half of the duplex from him. I can’t even let my dogs out when his are out, because they’re so mean. And, they can jump the fence. He also abuses them. The female Pit is friendly, but if you walk up to let her sniff you, she puts her paw up like she’s scared.”

    Neighbor: “That’s bulls***! I never hit my dogs!”

    Me: “And you don’t run an illegal gym in your garage, either.”

    Neighbor: *gets in my face* “I don’t do jack-s***! Now shut the f*** up!”

    Volunteer: “Sir, how big is your yard?”

    Neighbor: “About 20 by 10.”

    Volunteer: “Well, I’m afraid I can’t allow you to adopt one of our dogs.”

    Neighbor: “Why the f*** not?!” *in the volunteer’s face now*

    Volunteer: “Because, your property is too small for the amount of dogs that you have. It wouldn’t be healthy to add another one. You shouldn’t even have three.”

    Neighbor: “WHO THE F*** ARE YOU?! I CAN HAVE AS MANY DOGS AS I D*** WELL F******* WANT!” *starts tearing up adoption/volunteer forms* “WHAT THE F**** KIND OF ADOPTION ARE YOU THAT YOU WON’T GIVE SOMEONE A F****** DOG?!”

    (Suddenly, three big dudes and a park ranger tackled my neighbor, who was arrested for destruction of private property, assault, vandalism, littering, and disturbing the peace.)

    Osmond Overrated

    | TX, USA | Language & Words

    (My family is LDS [Mormon] and a common saying in our religion is ‘Families are Forever.’ My mother has this saying written in calligraphy and framed in our kitchen.)

    Friend: *walks through kitchen and glances briefly at the picture* “Families are OVERRATED??”

    Me & Mom: “What?”

    Friend: *pauses to look closer* “Oh, FOREVER. That makes a lot more sense for you guys!”

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