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  • A Woman’s Gotta Do
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  • Slowly Building Towards The Wrong Building

    | Newark, DE, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Neighbours, Strangers

    (My apartment happens to be right across the hall from the laundry room, so whenever my boyfriend or I have a load, we just leave the door unlocked so we can just go back and forth across the hall quicker and more easily than if we have to fumble with keys and laundry baskets that need to be held with both arms. One day I’m in the living room waiting for the wash to finish when a woman I don’t recognize just walks on in to my apartment. We stare at each other for about a minute before she speaks.)

    Woman: “Was that locked? Am I in the right place?”

    Me: *confused* “Uh, that depends. Who’re you looking for?”

    Woman: “[Woman's name that isn't mine]?”

    (I happen to know who she’s looking for, seeing as I’ve had to take her mail that’d been put in my box by mistake. So luckily I know where to send her.)

    Me: “She’s in building 21. This is building 22.”

    (It takes about half a minute for this to process.)

    Woman: “Oh! Oh, baby, I’m sorry!”

    (Even after that, she still took her sweet time looking around my living room before leaving.)

    Kitchen Pots And Puns

    | Pasadena, MD, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Language & Words

    (My best friend and I are standing in my kitchen making dinner.)

    Me: “Hey, hand me a utensil.”

    Friend: *handing me a knife* “Knife to meet you!”

    Me: “Fork you, man.”

    Friend: “Just grate, thanks.”

    Me: “Too spoon.”

    Friend: “I’ll just save this for ladle.”

    Me: “You’re up to some sifty business.”

    Friend: “This didn’t pan out like I hoped.”

    Me: *laughing* “I’m out of kitchen puns.”

    Friend: “This is why we haven’t killed each other yet.”

    I Want To Die Fabulous

    | USA | Bizarre/Silly, Gatherings, Geeks Rule

    (My friends somehow manage to convince me to come to a school dance. They quickly notice that not only am I not wearing a dress like all the other girls, but I’m wearing sneakers, too.)

    Friend #1: “So, you don’t wear high heels? Like, ever?”

    Me: “I’d rather wear something that I can actually walk in.”

    Friend #2: “But they make you taller and look pretty!”

    Me: “I’m wearing jeans and a T-shirt for a metalcore band, which are the first things I found on my floor when I started getting ready fifteen minutes before we had to leave, by the way. What makes you think I care about looking pretty?”

    Friend #1: “So, you wouldn’t even wear heels just for special occasions, like a dance?”

    Me: “I wouldn’t wear heels to my wedding. I like to be prepared.”

    Friend #1 & #2: “For what?”

    Me: “Just in case we should all get attacked by zombies. Since I’m the only girl in the area not wearing heels, I’ll be able to run the fastest while the rest of you get eaten and slow the walking dead down!”

    (There’s a brief pause, before…)

    Friend #1: “Wait, it only took you fifteen minutes to get ready?”

    Friend #2: “I love how that’s the only thing she’s said that has you concerned right now.”

    Friendship Transcends Brotherly Love

    | Pasadena, MD, USA | Best Friends, Family & Kids

    (I have been over to my best friend’s house quite a few times, and even spend the week with her when her parents go out of town. We are sitting in her basement playing video games when I hear the front door open and see a teenage boy walk up the stairs.)

    Me: “Who the h*** was that?”

    Friend: “Oh, that’s just my brother.”

    Me: “You have a brother?!”

    Friend: “Sometimes.”

    Not The Most Gifted At Gifting

    | USA | Family & Kids, Holidays

    (A family friend is over for Christmas, giving presents to me and my siblings. He gives everyone a box, and we start opening them.)

    Sister: “Ooh, a [Toy #1] and [Toy #2]!”

    Brother: “Awesome, I got [Video Game #1], [Video Game #2], and [Video Game #3]!”

    (I open mine, and I get a box of assorted small candies. I’m somewhat upset, since my siblings all got about $50 of stuff, and I got almost nothing. However, I keep quiet, to not seem ungrateful. We’re eating dinner later when the family friend talks about getting presents. I’m in another room, but I can easily hear what people are saying.)

    Friend: “Yeah, [Brother] and [Sister] are easy to shop for. They had a bunch of stuff for them. But [My Name] didn’t really say what she wanted. And she’s kind of rude, too.”

    Brother: “So…you purposely got her something cheap because you were too lazy to ask what she likes?”

    Friend: “When you say it like that, you make it seem like I was a jerk!”

    (He argued that I was rude and didn’t even deserve the candy. My siblings eventually got through to him. He later gave me a gift card to one of my favorite stores.)

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