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  • Creeping Days Are Numbered
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  • Don’t Bust His Balls Over It

    | LA, USA | Gatherings, Geeks Rule, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (I work on the media team at my church. Most of us team members are good friends after years of working together. We are hanging out before the service starts. A couple of the guys start talking about a video game, and one looks up some information on his phone about its characters.)

    Friend: *reading aloud* “[Species] are big and muscular and walk on all fours. Their distinctive characteristic is the set of testicles they have around their mouths.”

    (The whole room falls awkwardly silent for a moment as everyone freezes.)

    Friend: “Tentacles! Oh, my God!”

    (He was quite red in the face for a while afterwards.)

    Rainbows And Hippos And Pillows, Oh My

    | Clearwater, MN, USA | Best Friends, Bizarre/Silly

    (We are on our way to Chicago from Minnesota, about an eight-hour drive. We stop for provisions at a truck stop and I decide to purchase a neck pillow. I am debating whether to get an adult-sized red one or a child’s pillow with a hippopotamus head on one end that is rainbow-colored. It should be noted that we are both in our mid-20s.)

    Me: “I’m conflicted. Should I get the red pillow or the rainbow-hippo pillow?”

    Friend: “Is that a serious question?”

    Me: “Well, yeah… Are you making fun of me right now, or—”

    Friend: “Rainbow-hippo pillow! DUH!”

    Me: “See, this is why we are best friends.”

    You’re My Number One For My Number One

    | OH, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Health & Body, Roommates

    (My roommate and I are having a lazy day in, just watching TV. It’s rainy and cold, so we are both bundled up in our beds.)

    Roommate: “I have to pee.”

    (After a minute, she still hasn’t gotten up.)

    Roommate: “I don’t want to get up. You go pee for me and see if it helps.”

    A Strange(r) Conversation

    | Delft, The Netherlands | Rude & Risque, Strangers

    (One day I ride my bike across a bridge. From the other side an old man approaches on his bike. I’ve never seen this man before. We pass each other in the middle.)

    Him: *shouts* “You dirty whore!”

    Me: *shouting back* “You old fart!”

    (We both continue on our way, cycling away from each other, never to meet again.)

    A Killer Comeback

    | Port St. Joe, FL, USA | Best Friends, Health & Body

    (My parents, best friend since middle school, and I are at the beach. I have been suffering a bad cough for the whole trip.)

    Me: *after a bad fit* “Don’t worry. I’m fine.”

    Best Friend: “You’re not fine! We can still hear you!”

    (Everyone bursts into laughter as she realizes what she said.)

    Best Friend: “No! I meant we can still hear you coughing!”

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