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  • Creeping Days Are Numbered
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  • A Strange(r) Conversation

    | Delft, The Netherlands | Rude & Risque, Strangers

    (One day I ride my bike across a bridge. From the other side an old man approaches on his bike. I’ve never seen this man before. We pass each other in the middle.)

    Him: *shouts* “You dirty whore!”

    Me: *shouting back* “You old fart!”

    (We both continue on our way, cycling away from each other, never to meet again.)

    A Killer Comeback

    | Port St. Joe, FL, USA | Best Friends, Health & Body

    (My parents, best friend since middle school, and I are at the beach. I have been suffering a bad cough for the whole trip.)

    Me: *after a bad fit* “Don’t worry. I’m fine.”

    Best Friend: “You’re not fine! We can still hear you!”

    (Everyone bursts into laughter as she realizes what she said.)

    Best Friend: “No! I meant we can still hear you coughing!”

    A Punch Line With Extra Punch

    | Calgary, Alberta, Canada | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Health & Body, Schoolmates

    (I’m in math class and sitting with two friends. Everyday we three finish our class work way before everyone else and will often entertain ourselves, mainly by quietly chatting. Often Friend #1 teases us. It’s all in good fun, until one day…)

    Friend #1: *to me* “Yo momma’s so fat the only time she sees 90210 is on the scale.”

    (I go very quiet.)

    Friend #1: “What? That was funny.”

    Me: *quietly* “I don’t like ‘yo momma’ jokes.”

    Friend #1: “Why not? They’re funny.”

    Friend #2: “[Friend #1], shut up.”

    Friend #1: “What? What’s her problem?”

    Me: “My Mom passed away unexpectedly, a year ago.”

    Friend #1: “What? No, she didn’t.”

    Friend #2: “[Friend #1], yes, she did. [Names of four other friends] all went to the funeral. We all chipped in for a card. We didn’t know you then.”

    Friend #1: Come on, that’s not funny. I’ve had people pull this on me before. She just can’t handle a ‘yo momma’ joke.”

    Friend #2: “People have lied to you about their moms dying to get out of ‘yo momma’ jokes from you?”

    Friend #1: “All the time.”

    Friend #2: “That’s just stupid. Anyway, she is telling the truth.”

    (Finally our math teacher notices us arguing and comes over to see what’s wrong.)

    Math Teacher: “Are you guys having trouble with the work?”

    Me: “No, we’re done with the questions. We were just having a little argument about something.”

    Friend #1: “I was telling a ‘yo momma’ joke, and [My Name] starting saying that her mom died last year.”

    Math Teacher: “She did.”

    Friend #1: *wide eyed* “What?”

    Math Teacher: “[My Name's] mother passed away last year. I was her teacher at the time and they pulled all of her teachers aside to tell them. I remember it quite vividly because it happened the same day that my father passed away a few years before.”

    Friend #1: “Oh, my god! I’m so sorry!”

    (Friend #1 doesn’t make ‘yo momma’ jokes anymore.)

    A Uniform Response Isn’t Possible

    | Palmerston North, New Zealand | Bigotry, Movies & TV, Strangers

    (I’m a customer browsing in the DVD section of a store. I give an exclamation of surprise when I find a recent movie on the shelf; As I take it down, a middle aged man shorter than myself grabs it and puts it back.)

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “You don’t want that! That’s crap! It’s American crap!”

    Me: “Actually, it’s an Australian movie—”

    Customer: “No, it isn’t! Look at the uniform on the cover! That’s an American uniform! Are you too thick to know those ‘crims’ when you see them?”

    Me:“Well, it’s got American soldiers in it, but it’s all Australian. Must have a good costuming department I guess.”

    Customer: *grumbles* “Aussies, eh? I worked for eight years in Australia. THEY aren’t as good as they think they are! Like the Yanks, we are better than both of them. Man for man – we could knock ‘em over, you know! *walks away laughing* “And one day we WILL!”

    (I look after him, then at the movie in question, and am struck by the irony that the film is the Nazi victory SF epic ‘THE 25TH REICH.’)

    Irony Is Effortless

    | USA | Bizarre/Silly, Geeks Rule, Technology

    Friend: “I just ripped and converted the entire Doom II soundtrack because I can’t be a**ed to find the midis on the Internet.”

    Me: “Ha!”

    Friend: “It’s funny. In being lazy, I actually did something that required more effort.”

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