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  • I Once Was Lost
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    | Newcastle, NSW, Australia | Gatherings, Musical Mayhem

    (My boyfriend and I are at a BBQ with some friends. I am musically inclined, and during conversation, bring up the topic of hand-bell ensembles. A hand-bell is a bell that plays a single note. To play a whole piece you would need multiple hand-bells to play every note in the piece.)

    Boyfriend: “Depending on the piece, a hand-bell ensemble would have to be huge to play every note.”

    Me: “Not necessarily. Each person could hold two bells, so you would only need half as many people as there were different notes.”

    Boyfriend: “Oh yeah, I forgot that people have two arms…”

    Cop An Attitude

    | Asheville, NC, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Neighbours

    (I work security at several low income housing developments. The officer that I replaced had quit because he had been hired on to the city’s police department, after years as security at this one particular development. The officer gets a call for a disturbance at [Address]. He pulls up in the big white car with words ‘Police Department’ on the side, and the obnoxiously bright blue lights on top. Of course, after years in the community, he knows everyone there. The officer walks up to the loudest of the troublemakers.)

    Officer: “[Resident], can you tell me what exactly is going on?”

    Resident: “Get the f*** out of here, security! Mind your own f****** business.”

    (At this point, everyone else involved can foresee what is about to happen, and wants absolutely no part in the consequences, and begins to slowly back away!)

    Officer: “[Resident], I asked if you could please tell me what’s going on.”

    Resident: “Get out of here, Security, before I f*** you up!” *walks over and tries to strike [Officer]*

    (The officer easily avoids the blow, performs a controlled take-down, cuffs Resident, and begins walking Resident to the very obvious police car. Understanding suddenly dawns on the dim-witted troublemaker.)

    Resident: “Wait. You’re a cop?!”

    Officer: *as he puts the resident in the car* “Yes, and now you are under arrest for not only ‘public disturbance,’ but ‘assaulting a police officer,’ and ‘resisting arrest.'”

    (Needless to say, everyone else was an open book about the incidents of the night.)

    Hit Rock Bottom

    | Davenport, IA, USA | Backhanded Compliments, Rude & Risque

    (I work as a security guard at a local plant and mostly deal with truck drivers. I have been hit on by said truck drivers countless times and I constantly complain about it to my friends. One evening, while hanging out, one of my guy friends is trying to say it isn’t so bad and that he wished people had the confidence to hit on him.)

    Friend: “I wish people were desperate enough to hit on me.”

    (He sees the look myself and our other friends give him.)

    Friend: “No, that’s not what I meant!”

    It Gets Better When Woody Meets Obi-Wan

    | GA, USA | Best Friends, Geeks Rule, Movies & TV

    (My best friend and I are in art class. At the moment the class is watching ‘The DaVinci Code.’ My friend leaves to go to the bathroom. When she gets back…)

    Friend: “So, what did I miss?”

    Me: “Gandalf beat JARVIS with a stick.”

    Great Balls Of Hellfire

    | WI, USA | Religion, Sports

    (I live right on the border of Wisconsin and Minnesota. Both states are very enthusiastic about their football teams. At the church I go to, the priest is a well-known, die-hard fan of the Wisconsin football team. This happens one day during playoffs when the two teams are matched during the service.)

    Priest: “Let us take a moment to offer up our prayers in silence. And if I may make a suggestion, I think we all should pray for a certain football team…”

    (Suddenly he swings around, and points at a server who is wearing the opposing team’s jersey under his alter boy uniform.)


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