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  • It’s All Going South From Here On

    | Leeds, England, UK | Extra Stupid, Geography

    (I am a New Zealander working in an architect’s office in the UK.)

    Colleague: “Does the sun still rise in the East in the Southern Hemisphere?”

    Me: “Um, yes… North is still North.”

    A Speedy Assumption

    | CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Neighbours

    (I am chatting with my neighbor, and the topic has turned to speeding.)

    Me: “My brother-in-law has a ‘Police Interceptor’ sticker on his car, so highway patrol knows not to pull him over. Though when he told us about it, someone also commented that it would be hard to even see the sticker at that speed.”

    Neighbor: “Can’t you get in trouble for having one of those if you’re not a cop?”

    Me: “He IS a cop.”

    (I’m not entirely sure who’s the stupid one here; him for not making that leap of logic, or me for assuming he would.)

    Has A Dirty Sound System

    | Oceanside, NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Strangers

    (I’ve just done some shopping at a local mall. While entering my car, a guy in a van parked nearby starts waving and yelling to get my attention:)

    Man: “Hey! You! Hey! Sorry about all the yelling, but are you interested in buying a sound system?”

    Me: “No, thanks.”

    Man: “Are you sure? I’ve got a [Popular High-end Brand]!”

    Me: “No, thanks.”

    Man: “All right, you c***!”

    (I’m a bit surprised by the sudden insult, but I think nothing of it. A few days later, I’m in another parking lot when I am once again approached by a different guy in a van:)

    Man: “Hey, can I interest you in a sound system?”

    Me: “No, thanks.”

    Man: “You’re a f****** a**-hole!” *speeds off*

    Me: *to myself* “Well, it’s nice to know these guys have such an expansive vocabulary.”

    Don’t Even Have To Shoot To Score

    , | Austria | Backhanded Compliments, Family & Kids, Strangers

    (My cousin picks me up from a night shift at work. I have a headache and am in a bad mood. She tells me she has to drop off some stuff at a friend’s. I decide to walk in with her, because it’s a bad neighbourhood. In the apartment there is loud metal music, a paused ego-shooter game on the TV and a very drunk girl is on the couch. After introducing us, my cousin and her friend shout at each other over the music.)

    Me: *walking over and turning the music off* “Isn’t that better? Your neighbours will appreciate that too.”

    Drunk Girl: *mumbles something unintelligible and hugs me*

    Me: “I think we should get her to a hospital.”

    Friend: “Nah, she is often like that and fine the next day.”

    Me: “She might need long-term help, not an enabler.”

    Drunk Girl: *screams and bites me in the shoulder*

    Me: *pushing her away* “Can we go now?”

    Friend: “Why don’t you stay and play [Ego-shooter game]?”

    Me: “I never saw the point in those games. There is nothing to be learned.”

    Friend: “I use it to practice for paintballing.”

    Me: “I never saw the point of that either.”

    Cousin: *embarrassed* “Ahem… [Friend] took part in the Paintball European Championships.”

    Me: “There really is a competition for everything!”

    (We soon leave. In the car my cousin gives me lecture in manners.)

    Cousin: “Did you have to be so rude?”

    (Her phone beeps. She reads a message and then looks at me surprised.)

    Cousin: “[Friend] just asked me if you are single and would like your number!”

    Me: “…”

    Who You Gonna Call For The Answer

    | Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Games, Gatherings, Geeks Rule, Movies & TV

    (For some reason, people don’t always listen to me, which can get really annoying. This conversation took place at a friend’s Halloween party. We were talking about “Ghostbusters,” and a bunch of friends were trying to remember who had died recently:)

    Friend #1: “It wasn’t Bill Murray. It was the other guy.”

    Me: “Harold Ramis.”

    Friend #2: “It wasn’t Dan Ackroyd, was it?”

    Friend #3: “No, no. Not him.”

    Me: “It was Harold Ramis.”

    Friend #2: “I can’t remember his name. Wasn’t he in some other movies with Bill Murray?”

    Me: “Argh! It was Harold Ramis!”

    Friend #1: “I wish I could remember his name.”

    Me: “HELLO? HELLO? IS ANYBODY LISTENING TO ME? IT. WAS. HAROLD. RAMIS!”

    Friend #3: “I’m sure it will come to us eventually.”

    Me: *out of sheer desperation, at the top of my lungs* “I AM GOOGLE!”

    (Sudden silence falls over the group, and they all look at me.)

    Me: “Finally! It was Harold Ramis.”

    Everyone Else: “Ah! That’s who it was.”

    Me: *face-palm*


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