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  • Their Thieving Days Are Numbered
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  • Their Thieving Days Are Numbered

    | Somerset, NJ, USA | Family & Kids, Liars/Scammers, Strangers

    (My four-year-old niece has earned a dollar for helping out at home. She is quite excited, and has been carrying this bill with her all day. Her father stops at a local convenience store, and she brings her dollar bill inside with them. They are going to the register, when she realizes she has dropped her bill in the candy aisle. As she goes to retrieve it, a man with a female companion grabs it off the ground.)

    Man: “Here’s my dollar! I must have dropped it!”

    (My niece looks to her dad, shocked.)

    Niece: “Daddy? That’s my dollar.”

    Man: “Nope. I dropped a dollar bill right here. This one is mine. Right, honey?”

    Female Companion: “Oh, it’s definitely yours. Shame on you, little girl.”

    (My niece is tragically disappointed and confused. Her face is crumpled in defeat and she is near tears.)

    Niece’s Father: “Humor me for a second. Hand that bill over to the cashier.”

    Man: “Why? It’s mine!”

    Niece’s Father: “Then you’ll get it back in just a second. Just humor me, okay?”

    (The man reluctantly hands the bill over to the cashier.)

    Niece’s Father: “[Niece], tell the man what numbers are on that bill.”

    (My niece proudly repeats a string of numbers.)

    Niece’s Father: “Sir? What is the serial number on that dollar?”

    Cashier: *reads off the same numbers my niece just said from memory*

    (My niece is ecstatic. As her father looks at the man and woman, they can’t even look him in the eye, and they rush out without a word. The best part? My niece bought her candy and the cashier was so impressed that he gave it to her for free so she could keep the dollar!)

    Articulating Masticating

    | AB, Canada | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (I am eating lunch at the end of a hallway with a large group of friends. We usually have about three conversations going on at once.)

    Friend #1: *vigorously eating sandwich* “My favorite part about lunchtime is masticating in the hall.”

    Friend #2: *not paying attention, suddenly looks up in horror* “Doing WHAT in the hall?!”

    (She was relieved when we told her that she had NOT heard what she thought she’d heard.)

    It’s A Muggle’s Games

    | St. Cloud, MN, USA | Geeks Rule, Movies & TV, Roommates, Sports

    (My best friend is at my apartment with me, my roommate, and my fiancé, and we are playing Taboo. In this game, you have to get others to guess a word without saying any of the related words beneath it on the card. We aren’t playing it by the rules; just taking turns trying to get everyone else to guess without keeping score.)

    Roommate: *draws card* “Hmm… world cup.”

    Best Friend & Me: *in unison, with conviction* “OH! QUIDDITCH!”

    (My fiancé and roommate look at me and my best friend like we’ve lost it.)

    Fiancé: SOCCER.

    Roommate: “Did you guys seriously forget Quidditch isn’t a real sport?

    Me: “… Yes.”

    Tackling All The Weighty Issues

    | London, England, UK | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Strangers

    (My cousin and I are out walking one afternoon, and we are approached by an older woman who neither of us had met before. Ignoring me completely, she hones in on my cousin who, while not skinny, isn’t really what you’d call overweight.)

    Stranger: “Hi, there! I just wanted to let you know about this group we’re running at the local leisure centre for teenage mothers. I have some leaflets here, in case you want to take a look?”

    Cousin: *slightly gobsmacked* “Uh, thanks, but I’m not pregnant…”

    Stranger: “Oh. Right.” *pause* “We also run a group for teenagers with eating disorders!”

    They Need A Break From Each Other

    | PA, USA | Gatherings, Geeks Rule, Health & Body

    (Several years ago, I was ice skating with Friend #1 during Thanksgiving break. I had difficulties moving, and I needed Friend #1 to give me a push. I ended up tripping from the push and breaking my left arm in three places. Ever since then, Friend #1 has jokingly bragged about breaking my arm to near everyone he meets or otherwise knows. Fast forward several years later to our 2012 summer break, where I, Friend #1, and four other friends are setting up a game of Warhammer 40,000 on the upper level of my family’s outdoor deck.)

    Friend #2: “All right. So, bathroom break, then we start this?”

    Friend #4: “This is how we start the summer, like total nerds.”

    Friend #3: “Oh, come on. This is fun.”

    Friend #1: *speaks up suddenly* “So, speaking of fun, wanna know something fun to do here at [My Name]‘s house?”

    (I am about to ask Friend #1 what he means, but before I could ask or anyone could answer, he immediately bounds down the deck’s steps towards a built-in bench. I realize he is about to jump off the flat railing of the bench onto the hill behind it, and don’t say a word since we’ve safely done it before. Friend #1, however, jumped off of the bench ITSELF instead of the flat railing BEHIND it, leading him to land face-first into the hill.)

    Me: *chuckling* “Yo, [Friend #1], you okay?”

    (My other friends are mixed between asking if he’s all right and laughing as well, although after we get him, he complains about being sore. Around ten to fifteen minutes later, my mom comes home and finds Friend #1 still moping about his arms. After she took him home, his mother ended up taking him to the doctor’s office. Apparently, he had managed to break BOTH of his arms, with a total of three fractures, just like I had. After a day or two, I visit him at his house, where both his arms are in casts.)

    Me: “Dude, that sucks.”

    Friend #1: *laughs* “Those meds are awesooomeee…”

    Me: “Huh?”

    Friend #1′s Mother: “They gave him morphine for the procedure or some other drug. He’s still getting over it. This is kinda a reversal of what happened to you a couple years back, huh, [My Name]?”

    Me: “Wait, you’re right! I broke my arm the day before Thanksgiving; he did it just as summer break started!”

    Friend #1′s Mother: *smirking* “You even have the same number of fractures! Ha!”

    Me: “Karma, you took a long time getting here, but thank you!”

    Friend #1: “Aw, screw you, man…”


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