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  • The Scottish Hills

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Health & Body, Movies & TV, Roommates

    (My roommate is getting ready to shower when I hear her yell from the bathroom.)

    Roommate: “My boobs are Scottish!”

    Me: “What?”

    Roommate: “When I take my bra off, they scream ‘FREEDOM!'”

    Me: “Oh… I thought you had, like, a plaid rash or something.”

    Roommate: “That would be kinda cool. But no.”

    (This is why we are friends.)

    Handy With Old Jokes

    | NY, USA | Parents, Pranks, Strangers

    (I’m at my good friend’s house, and I go into the kitchen to get a drink. Her mom and a man I’ve never met are in there, cooking dinner.)

    Friend’s Mom: “Hi, [My Name]. Where’s [Friend]?”

    Me: “In the bathroom. What’s for dinner?”

    Man: “Burgers. Hey, could you give me a hand?”

    Me: *thinking he needs me to hand him a utensil or something* “Sure.”

    Man: *points to large knife lying on the counter* “Go ahead and just chop it off at the elbow.”

    (It takes me a second to realize what he means, and I balk.)

    Me: “Wait, I—”

    Friend’s Mom: “Oh, for God’s sake, [Man].”

    (She moves to the sink and I see that the man is missing his right arm from the elbow down. He’s doubled over laughing, and when he finally manages to calm down he introduces himself as my friend’s uncle and shakes my hand – with his left one, of course.)

    A French Disconnection

    | Norfolk, England, UK | Language & Words, Strangers

    (I have very dark, very thick wavy to curly hair, generally dark facial features, and extremely pale skin. This often means people presume I’m not British, even though I am. A group of strangers approach me as I’m walking home from a friend’s house.)

    Stranger #1: *to me* “Oi! You French?!”

    Me: *confused* “No…”

    Stranger #2: “Don’t lie. You are, ain’t ya?”

    Me: “I’m really not. I was born in London.”

    Stranger #3: “Well… Your dad is, right?”

    Me: “No, he’s a Scot.”

    Stranger #1: “Christ, Mum then. Same thing!”

    Me: “Nope, she’s English with Irish heritage. I’ve got Spanish ancestry, which is where I get my dark hair from, but not French.”

    Stranger #2: “For f*** sake! Don’t f****** lie, you s***-head! You’re f****** French!”

    Me: “No, I’m not.”

    Stranger #3: “Well… YOU SHOULD BE!”

    Searching Pon-Farr And Wide For A Girlfriend

    | Antwerpen, Belgium | Geeks Rule, Love/Romance

    (My friend and I are a bit nerdy.)

    Friend: “I love Star Trek but not in the dress-up kind of way.”

    Me: “I wont miss an episode but I don’t feel the need for pointy ears. Although, if I’d wear them I would be a Romulan, not a Vulcan. Same intelligence, a bit less logic, and sex more often than every seven years.” *silence* “Although, still more than what I’m getting now.”

    Deconstructing The Bricks Of Corruption

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Bizarre/Silly, Schoolmates

    (My girlfriend, my best friend, and I are eating lunch. We are discussing a certain corrupt politician in Russia.)

    Friend: *quoting a popular ‘90s show* “We should make him run naked through a cactus store that’s giving away razor blades and has a fountain of lemon juice!”

    Me: “Nah, not evil enough. Let’s dump him barefoot in a pit full of burning LEGOs.”

    Friend: “Okay, now that’s evil.”

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