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  • My Roommates, And Other Animals
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  • Reached The Day’s High Point

    | CA, USA | Best Friends, Bizarre/Silly, Language & Words

    (It’s late at night and I have just tried marijuana for the first time. I call my best friend while high.)

    Me: “I have something really important to tell you.”

    Best Friend: “Okay.”

    Me: “I hope I can articulate it in a way you can truly understand.”

    Best Friend: “Okay, so what is it?”

    Me: *long pause* “I had a really good day today.”

    Making Baby Talk With Strangers

    | NJ, USA | Rude & Risque, Strangers

    (My boyfriend and I are walking down the street, holding hands, when a group of cyclists passes us.)

    Cyclist: *yelling* “THE TWO OF YOU ARE A CUTE COUPLE!”

    Me: *yelling back* “THANK YOU!”

    Cyclist: *louder* “MAKE BABIES!”

    Me: *as loudly as I can* “I’M ALREADY ON IT!”

    (My boyfriend just about died with embarrassment!)

    Drinking Until You’re Sick

    | FL, USA | Best Friends, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Travel

    (Before our first road trip together my best friend is diagnosed with two separate but very contagious illnesses. Despite that, she still wants to go on our road trip as originally planned. In order to minimize my exposure to her germs she labels her water bottles with a “D” on the cap so that I wouldn’t inadvertently drink after her. Note: Her first name begins with the letter “D”.)

    Me: “‘D’ for [D-name]?”

    Best Friend: *dead pan* “No, ‘D’ for ‘Diseased.'”

    You Don’t Need Balls To Play

    | Australia | Family & Kids, Sports

    (I’m visiting my neighbour and her kids and decide to teach the nine-year-old girl a few of my old jokes. My favourite is “why was Cinderella bad at football? Because she ran away from the ball!” Up till now she’s been thoroughly unimpressed.)

    Me: “Why was Cinderella bad at football?”

    Her: *smirk* “Because she’s a girl. Duh!”

    Me: *stunned laughter*

    (And with that, she ran off to toss a football around with her brothers.)

    The Wrong Race At The Wrong Time

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA | Bad Behavior, Bigotry

    (My friend and I are in an Asian grocery store. We are both white.)

    Friend: “Look at those shrines! I could fit in one of those.”

    Me: “Yeah, you could.”

    Friend: “I’d be like a Chinese princess!”

    (My friend proceeds to pull back the corners of her eyes with her fingers.)

    Friend: “I could come out and say ‘a foi oh foi oh!'”

    (Another customer walks around the corner at that moment and scowls at us.)

    Friend: “Oh, my God! Why didn’t you tell me somebody was there?!”

    Me: “I didn’t know you were gonna be racist!”

    (I was mortified, especially since she’s never acted like that before!)

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