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  • New Meaning To Gender Displacement, Part 2
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  • The Situation Has Gone To The Dogs

    | PA, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Neighbours, Pets & Animals

    (I’m at the state park at a public pet adoption event with lots of different rescue organizations. My a**hole neighbor is there looking at a Pit Bull rescue’s booth.)

    Volunteer: “We have a lot of dogs right now looking for homes!”

    Neighbor: “I’m looking for a female puppy. I got one two years ago, and she needs

    a friend.”

    Volunteer: “Well, we’ve got five up for adoption right now…” *starts tapping

    on iPad to bring up pictures*

    Me: “Don’t even bother showing them to him.”

    Volunteer: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “He has two Pits already: A male and a female, plus a coonhound. The dogs are vicious and have already killed his daughter’s cat and one of his mother-in-law’s cats.”

    Neighbor: “What the f*** are you going on about?”

    (The volunteer looks confused.)

    Me: “I live in the opposite half of the duplex from him. I can’t even let my dogs out when his are out, because they’re so mean. And, they can jump the fence. He also abuses them. The female Pit is friendly, but if you walk up to let her sniff you, she puts her paw up like she’s scared.”

    Neighbor: “That’s bulls***! I never hit my dogs!”

    Me: “And you don’t run an illegal gym in your garage, either.”

    Neighbor: *gets in my face* “I don’t do jack-s***! Now shut the f*** up!”

    Volunteer: “Sir, how big is your yard?”

    Neighbor: “About 20 by 10.”

    Volunteer: “Well, I’m afraid I can’t allow you to adopt one of our dogs.”

    Neighbor: “Why the f*** not?!” *in the volunteer’s face now*

    Volunteer: “Because, your property is too small for the amount of dogs that you have. It wouldn’t be healthy to add another one. You shouldn’t even have three.”

    Neighbor: “WHO THE F*** ARE YOU?! I CAN HAVE AS MANY DOGS AS I D*** WELL F******* WANT!” *starts tearing up adoption/volunteer forms* “WHAT THE F**** KIND OF ADOPTION ARE YOU THAT YOU WON’T GIVE SOMEONE A F****** DOG?!”

    (Suddenly, three big dudes and a park ranger tackled my neighbor, who was arrested for destruction of private property, assault, vandalism, littering, and disturbing the peace.)

    Osmond Overrated

    | TX, USA | Language & Words

    (My family is LDS [Mormon] and a common saying in our religion is ‘Families are Forever.’ My mother has this saying written in calligraphy and framed in our kitchen.)

    Friend: *walks through kitchen and glances briefly at the picture* “Families are OVERRATED??”

    Me & Mom: “What?”

    Friend: *pauses to look closer* “Oh, FOREVER. That makes a lot more sense for you guys!”

    Take Pride In Stride

    | Victoria, BC, Canada | LGBTQ, Strangers, Travel

    (My friend and I are downtown waiting for the Pride Parade to start. The streets are crowded with people, some of them in very unconventional dress even though Victoria is normally quite conservative. My friend has the magic ability to be instantly friends with anyone, and people tell me I look like a ‘helpful librarian,’ so it’s not surprising when a confused-looking tourist approaches us.)

    Tourist: “Um, hello.”

    Friend: “Hi there!”

    Tourist: “I was wondering if you could help me. Is there some kind of… event… happening today?”

    Me: “Uh, yeah. It’s Pride, dude.”

    Tourist: “…pride?”

    Friend: “Yeah, you know, gay pride.” *she gestures at the rainbow flags flying everywhere* ” It’s so much fun! The parade starts in fifteen minutes.”

    Tourist: “Oh. Oh! Oh, that makes sense. Okay, thank you so much. And may I say, you two are a lovely couple.”

    (He wanders away, satisfied. My friend and I look at each other.)

    Me: “So basically, he thought topless women and guys in kink gear normally roam the streets of Victoria?”

    Friend: “Guess so. Hey, if we’re a couple now, can I touch your boobs?”

    Fragrant Vagrants

    | CT, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Strangers

    (There is a new kid that has recently moved to my town. He is pretty attractive so all the girls are going mad about him.)

    Friend #1: “Did you see the new kid? He’s so hot. Like, oh my god, I want his baby.”

    Friend #2: “I know! He’s on point, like d***!”

    Me: “Have either of you guys actually talked to him? Do you know if he’s nice at all?”

    Friend #2: “…”

    Friend #1: “We tried smelling him.”

    He Swears It’s A Good Game

    | Redwood City, CA, USA | Roommates, Rude & Risque, Technology

    (My friend and I are roommates and I just came home from the doctor’s. I open the door to hear a rain of cuss words.)

    Me: “Heh, what’re you doing?”

    Friend: “Playing this piece of s*** game. GOD F****** D*** IT. No, go here, you little w****! I will F****** KILL YOU!”

    Me: “What game are you playing?”

    Friend: *calmly at first* “I’m playing— F*** YOUR A**!”

    Me: “That’s what it’s called?”


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