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  • Steel Yourself For Some Stealing

    | Paris, France | Religion, Strangers, Transportation

    (In the subway, some people sneak a free ride by jumping after you in the gate. I HATE it when they do it to me without asking me first. However, when people ask me politely if they can sneak in behind me, I always give them one of my tickets, hoping it will inspire them to be generous toward other people, too. Most of the time, they take my ticket, smile, and say ‘thank you.’ Today I’m about to enter and an elderly lady comes to me.)

    Lady: “Hello. May I sneak in with you, please?”

    Me: “No, take this!”

    (I give her a ticket and I enter. I’m waiting for my train when she comes to me, probably after sneaking in with someone else, and shows me the unused ticket I gave her.)

    Lady: “Excuse me. I cannot steal this from you.”

    Me: “You’re not stealing anything from me. This is a gift.”

    Lady: “I don’t want to take your ticket. I’m a Christian. I don’t want to steal from other people!”

    Me: “Accepting a gift is not stealing and anyway, it cost me hardly more than one euro. I just want to be nice to you. Please.”

    Lady: “No, I cannot do that!”

    Me: “Please, take it and help a complete stranger in turn. Then suggest to him or her to help another stranger. And so on!”

    Lady: “No, I don’t want to do that! I’m a good Christian. I don’t steal from other people. Just take your ticket back!”

    Me: “You’re a Christian and you don’t want me to make a good deed?”

    Lady: “I don’t want to STEAL!”

    Me: “Actually, sneaking in IS stealing from the transportation control, you know? I don’t want to be accessory to stealing. Please, just take it. It’s just a ticket.”

    Lady: “No! It would be WRONG!”

    (She left the ticket on a bench instead of accepting it. The thing is, there are often controls in that subway and the fines are huge. Not only was she uncaring and rude, she was also stupid not to accept my gift.)

    Pop Culture Is Alien To Her

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Geeks Rule, LGBTQ, Movies & TV

    (My friend and I are driving to have coffee/tea at the local pub one evening when I am asked how my previous Friday night was. I went and saw the ‘Rocky Horror Show’ at the Comedy Theatre, and am trying to explain to my friend, who does not like pop-culture at all, what it is about.)

    Me: “So, it’s a kind of sci-fi/horror parody, rock ‘n’ roll musical where a recently engaged couple stumble upon a castle inhabited by a group of pansexual, transvestite, scientist aliens who are trying to assimilate in to 1950s America.”

    Friend: “Yeahhhhhh, that sounds like absolute crap. Aliens? Human aliens? Science-fiction? Rock ‘n’ roll? Who writes this stuff?”

    Me: “Oh come on! Rocky Horror? It’s a cult classic! You’ve never heard of it? It’s amazing! Anyway, ‘human’ aliens are not uncommon in popular culture. You know how your boyfriend likes Superman? Well, Superman is an alien. You keep buying yourself Superman singlets so I don’t know how you’re not aware of this?!”

    Friend: “Superman is not an alien!”

    Me: *stares at my friend dumbfounded* “How do you think he has powers? He is from the planet Krypton, and saves people when he isn’t masquerading as Clark Kent.”

    Friend: “Who is Clark Kent?”

    Me: “Oh, my gosh.” *shakes head*

    (We go in to the pub and order coffee and tea, and as the waiter comes to deliver my tea pot, I absentmindedly continue the conversation.)

    Me: “I still don’t understand how you don’t know that Superman is an alien.”

    Waiter: *giggles*

    Friend: “Oh, come on, this can’t be a well-known thing?!” *turns to the waiter for help*

    Waiter: “You are so asking the wrong person. I know everything about Superman.”

    Me: “Yes!”

    (I high-fived the waiter and we laughed at my friend as he went off to get her coffee, and came back still laughing. My friend and I still go for coffee/tea every Thursday and the waiter still laughs at her.)

    Should Revisit Engineering Instead

    | Scotland, UK | Extra Stupid, Gatherings

    (I have recently visited my friend who lives an hour away, and invite him over, giving him dates as to when I am able to have him over due to work. When I leave, I tell him ‘see you next week!’ A few days later he messages me online.)

    Friend: “Hey, tomorrow fine for coming over?”

    Me: “No, it’s next week I can have you over.”

    Friend: “You said next week, last week!”

    Me: “No, I said next week on Sunday! That’s still part of this week! I also gave specific dates!”

    Friend: “I don’t know numbers!”

    Me: “You are an engineer!”

    Friend: “AND IT EATS ME UP INSIDE!”

    Counting Age Is Old Hat

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Extra Stupid

    (I am at a coffee shop with my best friend of 35 years. It’s his birthday.)

    Me: “Happy birthday, [Friend].”

    Friend: “Thanks… How old were you when you turned 40?”

    Me: “Wait for it… Think about what you just asked.”

    Friend: *starts to laugh* “I’m losing my mind. That made no sense, did it?”

    Me: “Well, I think you may have been referring to mental age to physical age… I feel about 20 in the head, but 41 in body.”

    Friend: “And I’m losing it if I keep coming up with questions like that!”

    Showing Their True Colors

    | Vestal, NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Strangers

    (I’ve known my best friend for about 15 years now. He likes to pull pranks and do things to annoy me from time to time, since I usually have a short fuse and overreact in amusing ways when I’m stressed out. We are walking around the mall. We haven’t been talking the past few minutes. In front of us is an African-American woman walking and eating ice-cream cones with her daughter, clearly having a nice day. My friend notices this. It’s important to note with what happens next that he and I are both Caucasian.)

    Friend: *out of nowhere, he turns, looks at me, and screams* “[My Name]?! Was that a BLACK JOKE?! That’s just disgusting and racist!”

    (He feigns anger and storms away, hiding inside of the nearest store-front to watch what happens next. Needless to say, the lady and her daughter both turn. The lady glares at me.)

    Me: *unable to piece together a sentence because I am so embarrassed* “I… it… was a joke.”

    Lady: “Well, it’s not funny to make fun of other people because the color of their skin!”

    Me: “No… I mean… my friend was joking.”

    (She shot me a look, turned, and walked away. I looked over. My friend was cackling behind the window. I still haven’t come up with a good way to get back at him over that.)


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