Pray It’s Just A Funny Bone

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Pets & Animals, Roommates, Rude & Risque

(My family had just gotten a new dog. As I was visiting in the next couple of days, I wanted to get some toys and treats to spoil her rotten. My roommate decides to help so we head out to the nearest pet shop. As we’re browsing the aisles…)

Roommate: “Hey, d’you wanna bone?”

(I turn around to see him holding a large meat bone from the shelf.)

Me: “Oh, definitely!”

(I put it in my basket and we keep browsing for a little longer until it hits me.)

Me: “Wait… that sounded wrong.”

Roommate: “What did?”

Me: “Er… nothing.”

(Cut to a couple of days later when I’m packing to go over my family’s house. He casually passes by the hall with a load of laundry before stopping and backing up to stick his head through my door.)

Roommate: “Oh, dear god, I JUST got it!”

Spaced Out Needle

| Seattle, WA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Strangers

(I am visiting Seattle on a business trip and waiting at the bus stop. While I and three other people are sitting there, a man in a black suit wanders over with a stack of papers.)

Man: “Excuse me, but would you all be willing to sign my petition?”

Me: “Uh… sure, I guess. What’s it for?”

Man: “My petition is to ask the government to send the Space Needle back to Mars where it rightfully belongs.”

(Dead silence from all four of us.)

Woman Next To Me: “What?”

Man: “You know that static that you hear on the radio sometimes? That’s all being filtered in through the radio waves by the Martians! They’re listening in on us as we speak! That atrocity is an antenna meant to spy on us and learn our weak points. We have to send it right back, immediately!”

Me: “And… you know this… how?”

Man: “They told me, of course.”

Me: “They”?

Man: “The movie They. It speaks to me. Look, are you gonna sign or not?

Me: “Uh… no, thanks.”

Man: “Oh, okay. Well, have a nice day!”

(We all watched him walk off whistling to himself. I never did figure out exactly what the heck he was talking about, but to this day, I’m fairly certain I’d just witnessed some sort of initiation rite.)

A Streetcar Named Backfire

| Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Extra Stupid, Transportation

(Salt Lake City has a rather extensive mass transit system that provides a direct link to the University of Utah. While riding one train through the city and heading home from the mall, I happen to see a number of students from the U all pile on. They’re pretty loud, having an obvious good time, right up to the point we near the next stop.)

Student #1: “Hey, he missed our turn!”

Student #2: “What, no way.”

Student #1: “Yeah, the d*** driver didn’t turn back there. Don’t they teach these idiots how to drive?”

Student #2: “Dude, it’s a bus. How smart do you have to be to drive it?”

Me: “Ah, just so you know, this isn’t a bus. It’s a streetcar. You know, a kind of train? They only go where the rails take it. No steering wheels. I wonder how smart you have to be then to get on a train and think it’s a bus. Wait, aren’t you in college?”

(Student #1 and #2 looked very sheepish, shut up and made no sound, and got off at the next stop and took off walking.)

Redistribute The Workload

| MI, USA | Employees

(My wife and I have a friend over. She stays late despite telling us repeatedly that she has work in the morning. My wife is a public employee and due to the next day being a holiday, has the day off. As it gets later, this conversation happens:)

Wife: “I’m so glad I don’t have work in the morning.”

Friend: “Lucky! I wish I didn’t have work in the morning.”

(I’ve been unemployed for over a month.)

Me: “Lucky! I wish I had work in the morning!”

The Idiot Of The Month

| Canada | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Popular

(My female friends and I are discussing our period cramps, for some reason. My group is composed of both boys and girls.)

Girl: “I have the worst cramps ever! It feels like I’m literally dying!”

Girl #2: “Wow, that must suck! I don’t get many cramps at all!”

Boy: “I don’t either!” *referring to stomachaches*

Me: “Err… you do know what they’re talking about, right? It’s not stomach pains.”

Boy: “Then what is it?”

Me: “Period cramps…”

Boy: “What’s a period?”

(I’m completely in shock, as we are halfway through high school and no one has bothered to tell him.)

Me: “Do you have a sister?” *wondering if he has someone that might explain it to him instead of me*

Boy: “Yeah.”

Me: “Well, like… girls bleed… from a certain spot… when they become a certain age… because—”

Boy: “SOMEONE’S GOING TO HURT MY SISTER?! I’LL KILL THEM!”

Me: “Just… forget about it.”

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