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Party To Different Standards

, | Canada | Gatherings

(There’s a small group of us left at the end of a house party. Note that Friend #1 is female while Friend #2 is male. The owner of the house went to bed a while ago.)

Friend #1: “Hey, is there a lot left to clean up before we go?”

Friend #2: “That depends. Are you asking as a woman, or as a bachelor?”

(The rest of us crack up.)

Friend #1: “As a woman, I guess?”

Friend #2: “Then, yes, there’s a lot.”

(We crack up again, and head over to help put stuff away. There wasn’t that much.)

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Massacre Is Sooooo Emo

| NH, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Language & Words

(I’m at my friend’s house, watching her play the first Kingdom Hearts game. While she’s plowing her way through Hollow Bastion, we discuss the plot as it relates to the other games and the general set-up of the level.)

Friend: “What’s that goth word that sounds like ‘massacre’?”

Me: *thinking about it for all of two seconds* “Macabre?”

Friend: “That’s the one!” *continues playing*

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Tandem Random

| KY, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(My friend and I frequently have weird or completely random conversations. Here are examples of a few:)

Friend: “I don’t really need a car. I just kind of get high and mysteriously end up where I want to go.”

(Another time:)

Friend’s Mom: “Hey, [Friend], wake up. Don’t you want to see your girlfriend?”

Friend: “I don’t have a dad!”

(Another time:)

Friend: “Why is it called a building if it’s already built? Would a work-in-progress building be called a ‘built’?”

(Another time, after he talks to his girlfriend:)

Me: “Who was that?”

Friend: “A friend. Who is a girl. That I’m also f***ing.”

(Another time, when Friend is worried about using a gas stove in fear it will cause a fire :)

Me: *after putting ramen on the stove* “See, [Friend]? The house hasn’t burned down yet.”

Friend: “If there is gasoline in that pan I shall be very upset.”

(Yet another time:)

Friend: “So how have you been?”

Me: “I’ve been ‘eh.’”

Friend: “Turn that ‘eh’ around. ‘He.’”

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Back-Seat Watcher

| England, UK | Bad Behavior, Movies & TV, Popular, Strangers

(I live near a school, on a road which is generally quiet aside from school start and finish times. At the moment, the road is empty. One afternoon I’m watching TV when I feel someone watching me. I turn around to see a dog walker leaning on my fence staring through the window. A little creeped out, I shut the curtains. Moments later the doorbell rings. My roommate answers it, slams the door, and joins me.)

Me: “Who was that?”

Roommate: “Some creep. He wanted to know why we shut the curtains.”

Me: “Because he was a weirdo?!”

Roommate: “He complained because he wanted to watch his show. Apparently he has every right to!”

Me: “What an idiot! Hey, watch this.”

(I open the curtains, he is still outside having an argument on the phone. He notices and begins to watch.)

Me: “And now the crushing reality why you watch your own TV.”

(I dramatically raised the remote and changed the channel. The creepy guy shouted and swore but got the hint and cleared off, never to be seen again.)

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Me No Speak Americano

| USA | Extra Stupid, Geography, Language & Words

(My friend and I are watching a video on YouTube. At some point, the YouTuber says “We’re in Paris, but the Eiffel Tower is missing”.)

Friend: “He’s so dumb! Eiffel Tower is in France, not Paris!”

Me: “You’re dumb. Paris is a city in France.”

Friend: “It is? I thought it was the country at the bottom right of France.”

Me: “That’s Italy.”

Friend: “It is? I always thought it was in the top left of France.”

Me: “That’s the United Kingdom.”

Friend: “Oh, yeah, that country that stole our language.”

Me: “Dude, what’s our language?”

Friend: “English?”

Me: “…and the country named ‘England’ is in USA, or the UK?”

Friend: “…the UK. I’m stupid.”

Me: “Hey, at least you’re not one of the people that think our language is called ‘American.’”

My Father: “It isn’t?”

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