Having A Self-Awakening

| Tulsa, OK, USA | Health & Body

(Years back I had a bizarre form of pneumonia (no disease preceding it and apparently something got lodged in one lung). I hadn’t slept in nearly 2 days and I was exhausted. The doctors found the right combination of drugs to get me some relief. I’m in a bay in the ER and I can finally feel some welcome sleep approaching and just as I’m going under, there’s an awful squealing from some equipment nearby. I figure maybe it’s the guy next spot over dying or something. I calm down and try to fall back asleep again. Just as I’m about to fall into a nice sleep, that alarm goes off again. Dammit. Once again I’m awake from the guy next door. After this happens about four or five times, I think “screw it, I can ignore him and just sleep.” I did it. Next time the alarm went off I managed to ignore it and sailed right off to sleep. But it didn’t last. The next thing I know I’m being gently slapped in the face. I open my eyes to see the gentle face of a clearly worried and compassionate nurse who said:)

Nurse: “Breathe for me, honey!”

(In that moment I discovered I had sleep apnea… and also just how nice nurses could be. Thankfully they switched off the breathing alarm; I was the jack-a** who was making the noise that woke me.)

Final Fantasy: The IKEA Chronicles

| TX, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Games

(I play an online game that only recently added housing. With it came an influx of new recipes to create furniture. I’m perusing the recipes when a friend and fellow gamer calls me on Skype.)

Friend: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Hey, [Friend], not much. I’m looking at furniture recipes right now.”

Friend: “Wait, what?”

Me: “Furniture recipes. There’s so many of them, it’s taking a while to find recipes I can craft at my level of metalwork and woodwork.”

Friend: “OH! Wait, you mean you’re on [Game]!”

Me: “Yes… I thought that was obvious.”

Friend: “No, not really. I was about to ask you if you’d forgotten that in the real world, we call them assembly instructions.”

Hanging Out All Your Dirty Laundry To Everyone

| Ireland | Roommates

(For a few days now, my roommate has been asking me when he can use the washing machine to do his laundry and it seems to always be in function every time he needs it, but quickly finishes a few minutes after he asks. He stays up, playing games, until late, even with work the next day, at times when the washing machine is free to use. I had an accident earlier that day with a cup of coffee which spilled over the tablecloth I was using on my table, where all my electronics were and I quickly ran a short wash so it would be clean.)

Roommate: *opening the door to the room where the washing machine is* “Again?!”

Me: “Yeah… I had an accident today with coffee but it should be done fairly quickly. I put it on 30 minutes ago.”

Roommate: *grunting* “I had a very urgent wash to do and I was hoping to do it now.”

Me: “If you really need it, I can stop the ongoing process and you can use it. If it is that urgent, I don’t mind.”

Roommate: “No, it is fine.”

Me: “I can also take care of it tonight if you want. I have nothing planned so I can stay up and hang your laundry so it will be dry when you get back.”

Roommate: “No, it is okay.”

(Surely enough, just minutes after he goes upstairs, the washing machine stops, so I go upstairs to tell him, as usual, that it is now free to use. My roommate tells me that it is ok and never comes back down to use said machine.  40 minutes later, our common friend sends me a text message on a social media app.)

Common Friend: “Hey. So, [Roommate] is speaking to me about how much of a terrible human being you are.” *smiley face*

Me: “What?”

Common Friend: *pasting the entire text that [Roommate] sent to him* “Hey, can I use your washing machine? It’s been days. I tried to get to use mine but [My Name] is always using it and I am tired of it. She told me to wait, but I need it tonight and I can’t leave the laundry all night or it will smell terrible and I will have to do it all over again. She even asked me if I wanted to have her stop her wash but I told her that it was okay. She even said that she would care for it for me, and hang it during the night but I told her that it was fine since there’s only two people I trust with my laundry: my mom, and myself.”

Me: *upon reading that text* “Oh, yeah, I am such a despicable human being for washing the various covers and curtains and kitchen cloths around the house and telling him when the washing machine was free, which always is mere minutes after he asks, but he never uses it and goes to bed at three am for three days. I am not responsible for his lack of organisation.”

Common Friend: “I know. I just thought it was hilarious so I felt like sharing.”

(The kicker? Roommate did use the washing machine — two days after the urgent time he needed the laundry, then left the entirety of his clothes to “smell bad” in the washing machine, and picked them up in the afternoon.)

All-Natural Restaurant

| Vienna, Austria | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids

(I am at a nice restaurant, meeting with friends, academics in their late 30s. They have brought their toddler as a surprise, constantly mentioning why I should be thankful for spending time with their special snowflake, on my one evening off from childcare. I step outside for a phone call, and upon my return am greeted by the sight and smell of them changing their son’s diaper on one of the chairs. At the table. In the middle of the restaurant. Surrounded by people trying to enjoy their dinner.)

Me: *entirely horrified* “How on earth could you consider this kind of behavior acceptable?!”

Friend: “The changing area in the restroom was wet. There was only a hand dryer and no paper towels. Besides, it’s completely natural!”

(I refuse to ever meet them in public again.)

Trash-Talking Trash TV

| UT, USA | Movies & TV

(I’m at the park along with some other moms from the neighborhood and our kids. I’m sitting across from two moms who are friends. They’re talking about something that happened the night before, and one of them tries to include me in the conversation.)

Friend: “Do you watch ‘The Bachelor’?”

Me: “No, I don’t.”

Friend: “Good. I watch enough trash tv for all of us.”

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