Category: Backhanded Compliments

That’s Just How He Rolls

| Singapore | Backhanded Compliments, Food & Drink, Health & Body

(I overhear this conversation between two men at the next table. Man #1 is quite portly.)

Man #1: “My girlfriend doesn’t believe me when I said I used to have a six-pack.”

Man #2: “Oh, she met you when you only had a one-pack?”

Man #1: “Yeah. But it’s not a one-pack! It’s a three-pack!”

Man #2: “Three-pack?”

Man #1: “Three rolls of fat, rather like three-layer pork!”

Best To Put This Argument To Bed

| Cambridge, ON, Canada | Backhanded Compliments, Family & Kids, Love/Romance, Popular

(I’m having a sleepover with my boyfriend’s sister. We’re talking before we turn in for the night.)

Me: “I’m looking forward to the morning!”

Sister: “Why?”

Me: “Because I can tell your brother that you got me in bed before he did!”

Sister: “Indeed we shall!”

(The next morning.)

Sister: “So, [Brother].” *slings an arm around me* “I feel like you should know that she’s great in bed!”

Me: *laughing hysterically*

Boyfriend: *glares at sister and hugs me* “I’ll be taking my girlfriend back now…”

Got You On Your A**

| Poughkeepsie, NY, USA | Backhanded Compliments, Bad Behavior, LGBTQ, Popular

(I and a friend are hanging out on campus. We have a mutual friend who is gay and is very proud of his homosexuality, and enjoys making jokes about it. As a result, when my friend who recently injured himself complains several times in a short period about how his butt hurt, I had to make a comment.)

Friend #1: “My a** hurts.”

Me: “That’s what happens when you give [Gay Friend] an open invitation and don’t set limits.”

(We had a small laugh, and at this time a passing woman hears what I said and turns to me, rather upset.)

Woman: “That is NOT cool.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Woman: “[Gay Friend] is a VERY nice man and it is just wrong to hear you making fun of him. There is no reason to make fun of anyone for any reason, whether it’s sexual orientation, gender, or anything else!”

(Clearly upset she continues her rant. Friend #1 and I stand there completely dumbfounded, so used to talking to Gay Friend and having him gleefully own everything that it didn’t even occur to us that someone might mistake the situation for bullying. While we are still gathering our wits, Gay Friend shows up.)

Gay Friend: “Seems to be a lot going on over here. What did I miss?”

Friend #1: “My a** hurts.”

Gay Friend: “PLEASE tell me someone blamed me for this!”

(Being given full justification by Gay Friend while he was completely oblivious to what was going on, I just started gesturing both of my arms at him in a “That! That right there!” gesture. The woman who had just been giving me a lecture on how I was a horrible human being for playing to Gay Friend’s sense of humor turned a shade of red I’ve never before and hastily made her exit.)

Leaping To Conclusions

| OH, USA | Backhanded Compliments, Popular

(I’m out at a restaurant with one of my friends whose birthday is February 29. I’m using ketchup when I notice something on the bottle.)

Me: “Hey, [Friend], look! If you sign up for the birthday club you get a free entree every year on your birthday!”

Friend: “Screw you.”

Nothing Accidental About What They’re Implying

| OH, USA | Backhanded Compliments, Gatherings, Popular

(I’m driving down the highway with two of my friends.)

Friend #1: “Hey, [Friend #2], were you born on the highway? Cause that’s where most accidents happen.”

Friend #2: “Was your mom texting when she conceived you? Cause that’s how most accidents happen.”

Me: “Were you guys born between five to six pm? Because that’s when most accidents happen.”

(We’re all 23.)