(My roommate is diagnosed with brain cancer, and given two years. He immediately adopts an attitude of complete denial, because it won’t make any difference in how long he has, but it certainly improves his outlook on life. He does do the radiation/chemo stuff, though. He makes it his goal to make the nurses at the radiation center laugh at least once every time he is there, since they get little opportunity to do so. He takes great pride in generally succeeding. One day, however, he comes home beaming with pride at having come up with one they’d never heard before:)
Friend: “I wasn’t really worried, until I was in the operating room, and the surgeon came in with an ice cream scoop and a squeeze bottle of chocolate.”
(He said the nurse was entirely grossed out — and immediately ran off to tell all the other nurses. They loved him. (He beat the diagnosis by six months.))
(My BFF and I run a small bakery. We are very sarcastic with each other and our employees.)
BFF: *texting* “Not coming in today.”
Me: “Really? You are only four hours late. I didn’t even miss you.”
Me: “Turtle, slug, slime creeping. What is slower?”
BFF: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Watching Deadwood, cleaning office, surfing porn (not really).”
BFF: “Go home. The girls can handle the front.”
Me: “NO! Then I would have to watch TMNT, clean the kitchen, and surf Pinterest; work is way better!”
All of my friends and I are in AP/AICE programs. For my birthday, ten of us go do a big bank-heist-themed escape room — locked in a room that you have to solve puzzles to get out of.
We often find solutions and then find the clues five minutes after we have already solved them, but for some reason, it takes us fifteen minutes to get the safe open at the very end of the game.
We all refuse to call for a clue, but try everything we can for the safe. Along the TV screen-timer comes the message: “Send the boss lady forward.”
All my friends argue about this while I step up. We had mentioned it was my birthday so we safely assume they mean me. We are given the correct combo and yet still can not open the stupid safe.
We are turning the handle the wrong way.
When we finally got out, the lady running our room asked us what the big deal was. I shrugged and said, “We overcomplicated it.”
They said to us: “You guys moved so fast, it was unbelievable!”
My best friend explained that we pulled the honors thing where you move so fast on the hard part that when you get to the basic stuff, you get lost.
(I had a fight with my mom the day before and my friend has offered to come home with me to yell at my mom. I almost let her.)
Friend: “Okay, time to be serious. How mad would you be if I emailed your mom?”
Friend: “I set up a fake email and everything; I’m ready to go.”
Me: “Wait… you actually set up a fake email?”
(My best friend and I are visiting an old school friend in another city, and we have gone for lunch with her boyfriend, roommate, and roommate’s boyfriend in the city centre. My friend is a defense barrister, and this happens towards the end of the meal…)
Friend #1: “Right, I need to go to [Place].”
Best Friend: “[Place]?”
Friend 1’s Boyfriend: “She does a weekly pole dancing exercise class.”
Friend #1: “Yeah. It’s only an hour, so if you guys want to go for a pint or something I can meet you after.”
Best Friend: “Sounds good. I’m sure we can find somewhere nearby.”
Me: “Hold up a sec… Does that mean you’ve become a lawyer to put yourself through stripper school?”
(The whole table burst out laughing except Friend #1, who hit me. Worth it for such a good joke.)