Category: Health & Body

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Sitting On A Protein-Powder Keg

| FL, USA | Health & Body, Popular

(One of my husband’s and my friends is a bartender at a place we’ve been going to for years. He’s one of those guys who looks huge and intimidating given how muscular he is, but is basically a big, friendly, sweet dork. He works out at the gym constantly. Recently, however, he’s been having some medical problems.)

Friend: “So you remember how I told you I was having all those weird pains.”

Me: “Yeah, what happened?”

Friend: “Well, I went to this once specialist and he said it was probably scar tissue and I was stuck with it, and would just have to stop working out so much.”

Husband: “Well, that sucks, but you have to do what’s best for you.”

Friend: “No, that’s the thing! So I was listening to him, but I wasn’t getting any better.” *mixing up something in his personal coffee tumbler as he’s talking* “So I went through these three other doctors, and they all told me something different! But FINALLY I get referred to this one lady, and she runs some tests, and it turns out I’m allergic to my protein powder! And I cut it out, and she was right… I just have to stop drinking that, and I have no pain at all!”

Me: “Oh, well, that’s good.” *watching him begin to stir a familiar powder into his mug* “So… uh… whatcha mixing up there, [Friend]?”

Friend: *looks at mug, looks at me, puts mug behind his back, and grins guiltily* “… nothin’.”

(Buddy, I love you, but sometimes I wonder how you’re still alive.)

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Remain Walking Tall

| CO, USA | Health & Body, Popular

(My dad, brother, and I are going to go help my grandparents move. We have to drive for a little bit but it’s not too bad. We stop at a gas station to get treats and gas. Note my brother is fairly tall for his age and a lot of other people are shorter then him.)

Cashier: *to my brother* “Do you play basketball?”

Brother: “Do you play miniature golf?”

Me: *facepalm*

(My brother walks out to the car.)

Dad: “I’m so sorry. He doesn’t like being asked if plays basketball.”

Cashier: “THAT WAS THE BEST THING EVER!”

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Providing All Sorts Of Aid

| Austria | Coworkers, Health & Body, Popular

(I’m volunteering and badly cut a finger while hanging clothes. I go to the main office, and the first idle person I find is a psychologist I’ve never spoken with before. They are usually busy counseling people who fled from war zones.)

Me: “Hi! Sorry to bother you with trivial stuff, but do you happen to have a bandage?”

Psychologist: *jokingly* “Wonderful, something meaningful for me to do! I can finally apply my degree for the first time today!”

Me: “Yeah, this is obviously a cry for help. My sub-consciousness must have decided that I needed to hurt myself once my skin encountered the manic thrill of touching a coat hanger.”

Psychologist: “Perfect. A challenge. Attempted suicide by self-mutilation.”

(She hands me a bandage.)

Psychologist: “It’s nice to know that my full expertise can be applied to such a demanding case.”

Me: “Thank you for taming my bloodthirsty inner demon!”

(We joked some more, and once I went back to sorting clothes, I tried to be more careful than before. An hour later, however, I managed to cut myself again. Too scared to return to the office and risk making the psychologist worry for real, I worked the rest of the day stitched up with packing tape.)

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You’re Brain-Tied

| Seattle, WA, USA | Health & Body

(I’m literally tongue-tied, meaning the muscle under my tongue connects to the tip of my tongue and I cannot get it out of my mouth properly. The conversation has fixated on them wanting to see me eat an ice cream cone.)

Friend: “I’ll just be sitting there watching, eating my sundae— WAIT, CAN YOU USE SPOONS?”

Me: “Uh…”

Friend #2: “Did you just ask if she could use a spoon?”

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They’re Not Trolling You

| OR, USA | Backhanded Compliments, Health & Body, Popular

(My twin sister has a friend who has Asperger’s. We all went through school together until he was put into a special program in high school and my sister lost touch with him. They’ve recently reconnected, and he’s exactly as we both remembered. He has come to pick her up to hang out. About a month and a half ago, I had dyed my hair silver and purple. The silver has faded and the purple has bled down and started to fade to blue.)

Friend: “Your sister’s hair reminds me of a troll.”

Sister: “What?!”

Friend: “Or that she just didn’t get a very good dye job.”

Sister: “[Friend]! That’s rude!”

Friend: “Oh.” *turns to me and shrugs* “Sorry.”

Me: “It’s fine. It was dyed almost two months ago, so I know it doesn’t look that great.”

Friend: “Oh, that’s why it looks so bad.”

Sister: *sighs*

(They left, and I went about my day, more amused than anything. I knew he wasn’t trying to be mean, and quite frankly my hair didn’t look as great as it did when I first got it dyed. I just hoped he meant that I looked like a troll doll with the color of my hair and not ugly.)

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