Category: Health & Body

Losing Weight And Friends

| Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Popular

(A friend and I joined a gym around the same time last year. She started going more often than I did for a short while, then later stopped all together. I had done the same but over the past week I decided to become much more serious with getting fit and losing weight. I also joined an online weight-loss and coaching group.)

Me: “D***, I packed everything but my track pants.”

Friend: “Oh, have you started going back to the gym?”

Me: “Yes. I went on Monday. I also joined [Online Group], too, and have lost two and a half kilos since last week.”

Friend: *sneering at me* “It doesn’t look it.”

Flash Of Truth

| LA, USA | Games, Gatherings, Health & Body, Pets & Animals, Popular

(One of my friends is extremely outgoing and flashes her boobs as a means to distract people when they are arguing. My husband, I, she, and her husband are all playing Cards Against Humanity. Our husbands are arguing over the winning card in a particular hand. She flashes the guys, but neither pays any attention to her. Instead the cat, which had been sitting next to her, reaches over and puts a paw on her shirt, pulling it back down.)

Friend: *burst out laughing* “I’ve flashed you all so much even the cat is telling me to put them away.”

(She and I laughed as our husbands continued arguing, oblivious to what just happened.)

This Nurse Is Working Saturday Night Live

| Tulsa, OK, USA | Employees, Friendly, Health & Body, Movies & TV, Popular

(I had a recent appointment with my doctor. Inevitably one of the many nurses called my name. That day, there was a new nurse calling me.)

Nurse: “Mr. [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes.” *I follow her into the office* “Has anyone ever told you that you look like S—“

Nurse: “Sarah Silverman?”

Me: “I guess they have.”

Nurse: “Every day. I hope it’s a compliment.”

Me: “It is.”

(While I don’t especially like Sarah Silverman, she and the new nurse are quite pretty. I wish I was younger.)

A Cancer Upon The Friendship

| MN, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Ignoring/Inattentive, Popular

(My best friend has a terrible habit of letting the guy she’s dating get in the way of our friendship. We’ve been friends for so long that when she starts having an on-again, off-again relationship with a friend of mine long-distance [they met at my wedding, where they snuck off to have sex before the cake was cut, and they live in different states] and the cycle starts up again, I am just going to let it slide like I always do. But then this happens…)

Me: “So the doctor called with my results. It’s not good.”

Friend: “Oh, no.”

Me: “Yeah. It’s cancer. I’m having surgery next month, then radiation.”

Friend: “Okay, so, I’m going to take some time off work and come stay with you, then.”

Me: “We’ll blow up the air mattress. Thank you.”

Friend: “Of course! What, like I’m not going to be there when my best friend of twelve years has surgery? I’ll see what I can do for your radiation, too.”

(The day before my surgery, she calls.)

Friend: “Is [Town] close to you?”

Me: “It’s about 20 minutes away by car. Why?”

Friend: “That’s where my hotel is.”

Me: “Wait, hotel? I thought you were stay with us?”

Friend: “No, [Sometimes Boyfriend] and I got a hotel room since we haven’t seen each other in a while.”

Me: “Oh…”

Friend: “He’s taking me out to dinner tonight, so I’ll see you tomorrow.”

(She wound up staying in the hotel with him all four days she’d arranged to have off. She came to see me off for the surgery but was gone when I came out of it and never called or came to visit after that. I found out later via her boyfriend that they’d been holed up in the room having sex the entire time, except for the one time he had to work — my surgery. I stopped being friends with her shortly after and haven’t spoken to her in over a year. So much for twelve years of friendship!)

Think You’re The Big Cheese

| Ooltewah, TN, USA | Health & Body, Popular

(My friend and I are eating lasagne. I notice he’s dumping quite a bit of parmesan cheese on top.)

Me: “This stuff has three different kinds of cheese and you’re adding more?”

Friend: “You can never have enough cheese!”

Me: “Okay, fine! Don’t poop tomorrow. See if I care… and when did I become my mother?”

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