Bad Words, Good Cause

| St Petersburg, FL, USA | Bigotry, Popular

(I am hanging with my friend. His dad is a raging alcoholic and bigot. As an (undiagnosed, at the time) autistic sufferer, and being 12 years old, my brain has no filter. We are chilling one day when his dad decided to ‘teach’ us about gay people, including how they are all pedophiles and ‘can’t help themselves.’)

Friend’s Dad: “So, did you both learn what I told you? Repeat it.”

Friend: *repeats his dad*

Me: “You’re a f***ing idiot.”

(My friend’s dad grabs my arm and drags me across the street to my grandma’s house, where we are renting.)

Friends Dad: *to Mom* “Your son was extremely disrespectful! You need to teach him to respect his elders! He called me a f***ing idiot!”

Mom: *to me* “[My Name]!”

Me: “Ask [Friend’s Dad] what he was teaching us!”

(Mom looks at Friend’s Dad curiously.)

Friend’s Dad: *repeats bigoted rant*

(Mom grabs my arm and pulls me into the house.)

Mom: “You’re a f***ing idiot!”

Best Not To Go Back For Seconds

| USA | Popular, Rude & Risque

Friend #1: “I hate having to eat out by myself.”

Friend #2: “I’m sorry. It’s not that bad.”

Friend #3: “Sorry. Next time, give me a call. I’ll join you.”

Me: “I… um… totally read this wrong.”

Losing Weight And Friends

| Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Popular

(A friend and I joined a gym around the same time last year. She started going more often than I did for a short while, then later stopped all together. I had done the same but over the past week I decided to become much more serious with getting fit and losing weight. I also joined an online weight-loss and coaching group.)

Me: “D***, I packed everything but my track pants.”

Friend: “Oh, have you started going back to the gym?”

Me: “Yes. I went on Monday. I also joined [Online Group], too, and have lost two and a half kilos since last week.”

Friend: *sneering at me* “It doesn’t look it.”

The Plot Thickens

| Chicago, IL, USA | Popular, Punny

(My friend is doing math homework and talking himself through the problems.)

Friend: “Hmm, the graph flipped.”

Me: *mockingly* “Plot twist!”

Friend: “…was that a graphing joke?”

Me: *realization* “Did I… Was that… That was the best accidental pun I’ve ever made.”

You Can Just Go And Shovel It!

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Lazy/Unhelpful, Neighbours, Popular

(My husband and I live in a freehold townhouse and share a wide driveway with the unit next to us. The owners moved out in the summer and basically abandoned the house. Until someone moves in, one of our other neighbours, about five units down the street, uses their driveway to park two of their cars. We had a bit of a snowstorm and my husband is out shovelling our half of the driveway. The neighbour’s son, in his 20s, comes over.)

Neighbor’s Son: “Don’t be afraid to shovel this side of the driveway!”

Husband: *stops and stares* “I never shovelled it before, so WHY would I shovel it now?”

Neighbor’s Son: “But we’re parking our cars here now! It needs to be shovelled!”

Husband: “If you want it shoveled, I suggest you shovel it yourself.”

Neighbor’s Son: “Whatever, dude.” *storms away*

(Um, excuse me? Our side of the driveway alone is long and wide. WHY would someone just assume that we would double the workload for something that is not our problem nor would it benefit us?? Especially a 20-something asking my 50-year-old husband! Needless to say, no one has shovelled that half of the driveway and right now it’s an icy lawsuit waiting to happen. But our side is clean as a whistle.)