This Nurse Is Working Saturday Night Live

| Tulsa, OK, USA | Employees, Friendly, Health & Body, Movies & TV, Popular

(I had a recent appointment with my doctor. Inevitably one of the many nurses called my name. That day, there was a new nurse calling me.)

Nurse: “Mr. [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes.” *I follow her into the office* “Has anyone ever told you that you look like S—“

Nurse: “Sarah Silverman?”

Me: “I guess they have.”

Nurse: “Every day. I hope it’s a compliment.”

Me: “It is.”

(While I don’t especially like Sarah Silverman, she and the new nurse are quite pretty. I wish I was younger.)

Didn’t Bless You With The Gift Of Knowledge

| USA | Bad Behavior, Popular

(I’m chatting with a friend via a social media IM.)

Me: “Huh, your birthday gift got returned to me. I wonder why?”

Friend: “Oh, I forgot to tell you I moved.”

Me: “Well, that would do it. Where’d you move to?”

Friend: “I moved in with my boyfriend three months ago.”

Me: “What boyfriend?!”

Friend: “The guy I met in school last year.”

Me: “Wait, you’re in school?”

Friend: “Yeah. I didn’t want to announce it to everyone so I just kept it quiet.”

Me: “Wait, okay, hang on. I’m actually a little hurt because I’ve specifically asked you SEVERAL TIMES what you’re doing, what’s new, what’s going on. And you never mentioned any of this.”

Friend: “I wasn’t comfortable telling everyone.”

Me: “Well, okay, but you could have at least told me your new address when I told you I was about to mail your gift out.”

Friend: “I just didn’t want to tell everyone!”

Me: “Well… okay, then. Guess I’m keeping your gift!”

The Mother Of All Emails

| Poolesville, MD, USA | Best Friends, Popular

(I had a fight with my mom the day before and my friend has offered to come home with me to yell at my mom. I almost let her.)

Friend: “Okay, time to be serious. How mad would you be if I emailed your mom?”

Me: “…”

Friend: “I set up a fake email and everything; I’m ready to go.”

Me: “Wait… you actually set up a fake email?”

Friend: “Yup!”

Wish He Would Pokémon Go Away

| FL, USA | Bad Behavior, Games, Pokemon, Popular

(I’m waiting in a salon for a hair appointment, idly playing a Pokémon game on my handheld. A boy of about ten or so who is waiting with his mother sees and immediately gets excited.)

Kid: “You have Pokémon! Do you want to trade?”

Me: “Haha, sure, if it’s okay with your mom.”

Woman: “Oh, as long as he isn’t bothering you, of course.”

(I open up my Pokémon to find something to trade. I’m not expecting to get anything good; I’m mostly just charmed by the kid’s enthusiasm and the experience, until…)

Kid: *leaning over my shoulder watching me scroll through my Pokémon* “Wow! You have a shiny [Rare Pokémon]! I want that one!”

Me: “That one’s not for trade. But all these—“

(Before I can say anything else, the kid begins screaming in my face. Like someone has flipped a switch, this ten-year-old turns red faced and howling at top volume, with tears streaming down his face, fists bunched angrily at his sides. It’s the sort of wild, hysterical tantrum you’d expect a toddler to throw.)

Woman: “Just give him the stupid thing!”

Me: “Lady, with all due respect, if this is how your kid reacts to being told he can’t have something in a VIDEO GAME, I’m not going to enable him.”

(The salon owner came over and told the woman she needed to control her kid or leave. I missed the resolution of it because I got called back for my hair appointment. As she was leaning me back into the basin to wash my hair for the cut, my stylist murmured, “I don’t know about you, but that made my uterus shrivel up.” You and me both, sister.)

Email Fail: The Spectacular

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Popular, Roommates, Rude & Risque

(Before me, my roommate/friend had another… less stable roommate. He tells me what was the first incident, about half a month in when he thought his roomie wasn’t a bad guy.)

Ex-Roomie: “Hey, can I get your email? I don’t really use many other social Internet stuff. I prefer texts and emails way more.”

Friend: “Sure! It’s [email].”

(Not out of place, especially since my friend does use his email a lot. On another day, they have some free time and my friend is kind of coerced into a conversation about themselves.)

Ex-Roomie: “Sucks that we can’t own any animals besides fish here. Have you ever had any pets?”

Friend: “Not many. I had a dog when I was younger and now my family has two cats.”

Ex-Roomie: “Lucky! What was the dog’s name?”

Friend: “Sparky. Old lab. Miss him, to—“

Ex-Roomie: “Yeah, yeah. Wow, you’re lucky man. Never had pets myself. I grew up in [State]. Where are you from?”

Friend: “Oh, I’m from around here.”

Ex-Roomie: “No, no. Where did you grow up?”

Friend: “Well, not far off from here, near downtown.”

Ex-Roomie: “Oh, yeah, I’ve got some friends that grew up over there, too! Do you know them?”

Friend: “Uh… I wouldn’t really know? What’s their—“

Ex-Roomie: “Aw, come on! You’ve GOTTA know them. What street did you live on?”

Friend: *concerned, but doesn’t know where this is leading* “Uh… [Street]? My, um, family doesn’t live there though, and I only had a handful of fr—“

Ex-Roomie: “Ah, nah. They don’t live around there. Your family doesn’t live here anymore? Where’d they go?”

(This went on for a bit. For my friend, though it felt a bit intrusive, it wasn’t too weird. He’s naturally a shy guy so he thought his roommate was just really inquisitive and wanted to get to know him. However, in hindsight, everything clicked together for the little fiasco that happened later on.)

Ex-Roomie: *swears and storms out of his rooms to open the fridge*

Friend: *eating cereal* “What?”

Ex-Roomie: “YOU F****** LIED TO ME, THAT’S WHAT!” *grabs the gallon of milk and starts to chug as much as he can*

Friend: “Wait, what?”

Ex-Roomie: *crying* “F*** YOU! YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO SEE ME LIKE THIS!”

(He ended up CHUCKING THE MILK TO THE GROUND, spilling it everywhere, and storming back to his room. Apparently, he was trying to break into my friend’s email account because he noticed him using it so much and wanted to prank him by sending d*ck pics to everyone in his contacts. My friend found this out a day later, when the roommate invited all his friends over, got drunk, and all started heckling my friend as if he was the one being the spoil sport about it and “couldn’t take a joke.” That roommate did not last long, especially after some more property damage and when he inappropriately started to hit on the landlord’s daughter and tried blaming it on my friend. My friend is gay, by the way.)