Category: Religion

Hugging Against Hate

| CA, USA | Bigotry, LGBTQ, Religion, Strangers

(Although my best friend and I have been texting, we haven’t physically seen each other in months. One day, I’m at the park when I see her in the distance.)

Me: “[Friend]!”

Friend: “[My Name]!”

Me: *tackle-hugs friend* “I haven’t seen you in forever. Oh, my god! I missed you!”

Friend: *still hugging* “I missed you, too! I can’t believe you’re here!”

Random Woman: *performs the sign of the cross* “Get those ungodly habits away from me!”

Me: “Um… what?”

Random Woman: “You’re going to Hell, you and your girlfriend both!”

Me: “Oh! Yeah, sorry for the misunderstanding, ma’am, this is just my friend. I haven’t seen her in months.”

Random Woman: “You’re going to Hell!”

Me: “Okay, we should go now…”

Random Woman: “Evil lesbian lovers!”

Showering In Hell And High Water

| USA | Neighbours, Religion

(I have just stepped into the shower, when I hear the doorbell ring. I ignore it, but whoever it is incessantly rings the doorbell. Finally, I get out, pull on a robe, and go across the hall into my bedroom, where the window is close to the door, so I can talk to whoever is outside. Outside are two elderly gentlemen.)

Me: “Hello?”

Gentleman #1: “Hi, we’re from [Baptist Church] and we were in the neighborhood and thought to say hello.”

(Just a note, I’m dripping wet, wearing nothing but a shower cap and a bathrobe, something very obvious, even through the window. I decide to just go with the quick route.)

Me: “No, thank you. We’re Catholic.”

Gentleman #1: “Oh, that’s fine. We’d still like to say hi! Have you…”

(I slam the window down, pull the blinds, and return to my shower. They must have left at some point, as I didn’t hear the doorbell ring again.)

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

| Hughesville, MD, USA | Holidays, Religion, Strangers

(It’s Easter Morning and I’m doing my part for the Easter Dinner. I’m baking a bunny shaped cake. My timer doesn’t go off and so I don’t know that I am burning the cake until we smell it.)

Me: “Darn it! That was my last cake mix. Time to head off to the [Grocery Store] for some more before they close.”

(I change out of my pajamas and into some jeans and a t-shirt. I don’t bother to look at the shirt; just grab the first clean one. I’m at the store and I’m looking at the cakes, trying to find out which is the better deal. While I’m doing that, some woman near me comments about my shirt in a very snotty voice.)

Woman: “I don’t think that’s very appropriate to be wearing today.”

(Looking down, I see that I grabbed one of my Dawn of the Dead shirts. It’s the one about the ’78 Romero film and it has the tagline on it of “They just won’t stay dead!”)

Me: *annoyed at the way this woman just snapped at me* “I think it’s very fitting for today. He didn’t stay dead either.”

(She stormed away, mumbling under her breath. Now my family and I often refer to Easter as “Zombie Jesus Day.”)

Jehovah’s Witless, Part 11

| USA | Pets & Animals, Religion

(When my husband and I first moved into our new house, a local religious group kept stopping by at least twice a month to “share” their message. Neither of us are very religious, and we don’t mind people wanting to express their beliefs, but that kind of thing can feel really intrusive. Since my husband works from home, he’ll always keep our two large dogs (a 100lb Rottweiler and an 80lb lab) in the living room and politely tell them we aren’t interested. After a while though, it starts getting really creepy and annoying. Somehow they find out our names and start calling out to us while they rang the doorbell. Finally, I’ve had enough.)

Me: “The next time they knock on our door at 8:00 am on a Saturday I’m going to let the dogs greet them.”

Husband: “Huh? But our dogs aren’t viscous. If a burglar had a chew toy with him they’d roll over and ask for a belly rub while the house was being robbed.”

Me: “Right, but the Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t know that.”

Husband: *sigh* “Fine, give it a try.”

(The very next Saturday, our doorbell rang early that morning.)

Witnesses: “Good Morning, [My Name] and [Husband]! We’d love to give you our newest literature on—”

Me: *to the two dogs* “Guys! Someone’s here! Go see who’s here!”

(I threw open the dog gate and let them go. They stampeded through the house and jumped up onto the front door, which happens to have a decent sized window set in the center. Both dogs were going nuts, but our Rottweiler can get especially excited when new people are over. He planted both of his huge front feet on the door and barked so much he was sending globs of drool at the window. The Jehovah’s Witnesses jumped back from the door and speed-walked to their car parked down the street.)

Me: *lifting our Rottweiler off the door* “I guess they didn’t want to play with you! That’s okay. Who wants a treat?”

(I will point out that normally we make sure our dogs don’t just jump all over new people; they’re actually very well trained. This was definitely a special circumstance. The dogs each got a big treat out of it, and we haven’t heard from any religious groups since.)

Related:
Jehovah’s Witless, Part 10
Jehovah’s Witless, Part 9
Jehovah’s Witless, Part 8

An Argument For The Separation Of Church And State

| Richardson, TX, USA | Musical Mayhem, Non-Dialogue, Religion

This took place a few years ago when the Fourth of July, the day the United States celebrates its founding, fell on a Sunday. Every year our church hosts a different young minister from England as a staff intern for several months, and on this particular Sunday the new minister and his wife have just arrived and are introduced from the pulpit. And right after their introduction? The congregation stood and sang “My Country ‘Tis of Thee.” Most everyone seemed oblivious, but to me it was a bit awkward that our guests were being “treated” to their own national anthem, “God Save the Queen,” with American lyrics.

I quickly scanned the worship service bulletin, hoping that was the end of the awkwardness. It was not. I was mortified to see that the church organist had selected a patriotic march to play at the end of the service: John Philip Sousa’s “Liberty Bell March.” Yes, our British visitors’ first American church service ended with the theme to “Monty Python’s Flying Circus”!

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