Category: Roommates

I’d Put A Title Here But… Squirrel!

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Pets & Animals, Roommates

(I am visiting a couple of friends who are roommates. One of them gets up and goes into the kitchen for a drink, then pops her head back around the corner.)

Roommate #1: *in an overly sweet voice* “Hey, boys!”

(Their two dogs instantly leap up and race around the corner and down the basement stairs. I am very confused.)

Roommate #2: “Go look out the back window. You’ll understand.”

(I head for the back of the house, just in time to see both dogs shoot towards a far corner of the yard, barking madly. A squirrel rockets off the bird feeder and over the fence.)

Me: “Wait. Do you seriously have a code phrase to tell your dogs you want them to chase a squirrel?”

Roommate #1: “Nah. Sometimes it’s a rabbit.”

Me: “Right…”

Here We Pokémon Slow Again

| USA | Pokemon, Roommates, Transportation

(My roommate is running late coming home from work one night and texts me to say that she will be home soon.)

Roommate: “This traffic is ridiculous! Why is everyone going so slow?”

Me: “Maybe they’re trying to hatch Pokémon?”

(Six months later, and she still refers to heavy traffic as being “Pokémon slow.”)

Here We Pokémon Go Again, Part 9
Here We Pokémon Go Again, Part 8
Here We Pokémon Go Again, Part 7

Please Let It Be Alvin…

| GA, USA | Pets & Animals, Roommates

Roommate: “So the mechanics found out was wrong with my car. It seems that a chipmunk got into the engine and chewed through one of the belts.”

Me: “How did they know it was a chipmunk?”

Roommate: “They… um… found its head.”

Hanging Out All Your Dirty Laundry To Everyone

| Ireland | Roommates

(For a few days now, my roommate has been asking me when he can use the washing machine to do his laundry and it seems to always be in function every time he needs it, but quickly finishes a few minutes after he asks. He stays up, playing games, until late, even with work the next day, at times when the washing machine is free to use. I had an accident earlier that day with a cup of coffee which spilled over the tablecloth I was using on my table, where all my electronics were and I quickly ran a short wash so it would be clean.)

Roommate: *opening the door to the room where the washing machine is* “Again?!”

Me: “Yeah… I had an accident today with coffee but it should be done fairly quickly. I put it on 30 minutes ago.”

Roommate: *grunting* “I had a very urgent wash to do and I was hoping to do it now.”

Me: “If you really need it, I can stop the ongoing process and you can use it. If it is that urgent, I don’t mind.”

Roommate: “No, it is fine.”

Me: “I can also take care of it tonight if you want. I have nothing planned so I can stay up and hang your laundry so it will be dry when you get back.”

Roommate: “No, it is okay.”

(Surely enough, just minutes after he goes upstairs, the washing machine stops, so I go upstairs to tell him, as usual, that it is now free to use. My roommate tells me that it is ok and never comes back down to use said machine.  40 minutes later, our common friend sends me a text message on a social media app.)

Common Friend: “Hey. So, [Roommate] is speaking to me about how much of a terrible human being you are.” *smiley face*

Me: “What?”

Common Friend: *pasting the entire text that [Roommate] sent to him* “Hey, can I use your washing machine? It’s been days. I tried to get to use mine but [My Name] is always using it and I am tired of it. She told me to wait, but I need it tonight and I can’t leave the laundry all night or it will smell terrible and I will have to do it all over again. She even asked me if I wanted to have her stop her wash but I told her that it was okay. She even said that she would care for it for me, and hang it during the night but I told her that it was fine since there’s only two people I trust with my laundry: my mom, and myself.”

Me: *upon reading that text* “Oh, yeah, I am such a despicable human being for washing the various covers and curtains and kitchen cloths around the house and telling him when the washing machine was free, which always is mere minutes after he asks, but he never uses it and goes to bed at three am for three days. I am not responsible for his lack of organisation.”

Common Friend: “I know. I just thought it was hilarious so I felt like sharing.”

(The kicker? Roommate did use the washing machine — two days after the urgent time he needed the laundry, then left the entirety of his clothes to “smell bad” in the washing machine, and picked them up in the afternoon.)

Can’t Mask Your Embarrassment

| IN, USA | Awesome, Popular, Roommates

(My roommate and I are out shopping. We pull into the parking lot of a thrift store close to closing.)

Roommate: “All right, we’ve got twenty minutes to rob this place. I’ll take the front door, you take the back. Fake guns are in the trunk. And, go!”

Me: *playing along* “Do you have the ski masks back there, too?”

Roommate: “D*** it! I forgot the ski masks!”

Me: “Crap! How could you forget? Well, this was a wash. I guess we’ll have to try again next time…”

Roommate: “Wait! It’s a thrift store; they probably have some inside we can grab!”

Me: *laughing* “Not sure that would work; they’d have already seen our faces.”

(We go inside and start looking around. Roommate grabs something off a shelf and shows it to me.)

Roommate: “They don’t have any ski masks, but we could use this!”

Me: “I think I’d be too embarrassed to rob a store if I had to wear that…”

(It was a Ninja Turtle mask.)

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