Category: Roommates

A Roommate With A View

| NC, USA | Roommates, Rude & Risque

(My roommate and I are discussing her new boyfriend and privacy before the spring semester begins.)

Me: “If you need some space, just tell me. I’ll go hang out at the coffee house or whatever.”

Roommate: “But I’d feel so bad. It’s your room, too! I can’t just kick you out!”

Me: “I used to set up [Previous Roommate] on dates with her boyfriend so that [Ex] and I could have the room to ourselves. I even bribed [Friend] with Pocky and duct tape to ‘chaperone’ them.”

Roommate: “What?! Really?! But I can’t use that trick on you.”

Me: “It’s okay; I have noise-cancelling headphones.”

(It takes her a second to get what I’m implying, and then we both crack up!)

A Good Friendship Is On The Cards

| Portland, OR, USA | New Friends, Roommates, Top

(I’m highly articulate, but not especially emotional. This sometimes causes problems where I am misunderstood. My roommate and good friend has recently related to me that she had been uncertain whether or not we were friends until one evening, when it came to her like a revelation.)

Roommate: “We had chatted for a while, and hung out together. It wasn’t until that one night when you were off work earlier than I was, but you stayed after to talk to me until I was done working. Then I knew that we were friends.”

(This is a strange concept to me, as I had thought I was more obvious about who I did and did not like. One day, I am asked to drive a mutual friend to run an errand. This is a new friend, and we laugh and talk about things that we have in common. I later talked to my roommate about the trip.)

Me: “I really like [New Friend]. We should hang out more.”

Roommate: “Oh, good. I was just talking with [New Friend] about that. It seems she had no idea you guys were friends until you took her to run that errand, and you had a good time.”

(I may start issuing cards that say ‘Congratulations! We are friends now!’)

Self-Fulfilling Jealousy

, | Murfreesboro, TN, USA | Roommates, Spouses & Partners

(I’m sharing a dorm room with a friend from high school who has always been a bit of a drama queen. Most recently, she’s decided that I hate her boyfriend. This is despite my repeated assurances that I actually think her boyfriend is a pretty cool guy. The following conversation takes place just after her again mentioning my non-existent hatred of her boyfriend. At this point in my life, I’ve never dated/had a boyfriend, and I’m a little down.)

Roomie: “What’s up?”

Me: “I don’t know. I guess talking about boyfriend stuff has me a little upset.”

Roomie: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, you know how I’ve never had one? Is there just something wrong with me? Something repellent to guys?”

Roomie: *nodding wisely* “So that’s what it is! That’s why you don’t like [Boyfriend]! My mom said it was probably because you were jealous because I always have guys hanging around me.”

Me: *stunned silence*

Roomie: “Don’t worry. I can find someone who will like you.”

(And, indeed, this incident was immediately followed by several weeks of her trying to hook me up with a guy that later got kicked out of school for sexual harassment. Thanks, bud!)

Taking Wuthering Heights To New Lows

| St Paul, MN, USA | Books & Reading, Language & Words, Roommates

(My roommate and I like to read books to each other. On this night, we’re reading ‘Wuthering Heights’ since she just bought a Bronte Sisters anthology.)

Me: *reading book aloud* “Her position before was shelter from the light; now, I had a distinct view of her whole figure and countenance.” *under breath* “Do she got the booty?”

Roommate: “Don’t ruin Bronte, [My Name]! Don’t do it!”

Me: *smirks and continues reading as the author describes the girl’s appearance* “She dooooo!”

Roommate: “Godd*** it, [My Name]!”

Caught Red Handed And Blue Haired

| USA | Hall of Fame, Liars/Scammers, Roommates, Top

(I kept my hair pretty short in college. Despite that, I seemed to go through my supply of shampoo and conditioner after two weeks.)

Me: “I don’t know how I’m using so much. I have really short hair, and it’s just vanishing. You’re not using any of it are you?”

Roommate: “Nuh-uh. I use that anti-frizz stuff that has to sit in my hair for five minutes before I rinse. Maybe the bottles are leaking.”

(I decide to dye my hair blue next time I go to the store, and dump an extra bottle of fast-acting dye into my shampoo to help keep the color from fading so fast. The next day my roommate is taking one of her famously long showers…)

Roommate: *blood-curdling shriek*

Me: “What’s wrong?! Are you okay?!”

Roommate: “My HAIR!”

(She storms out of our bathroom to reveal her waist length, platinum blonde hair dyed with varying shades of teal.)

Me: “Oh, my god. You’ve been using my shampoo!”

Roommate: “Why is there blue dye in your shampoo?!”

Me: “Serves you right for using my stuff without asking, AND lying to me about it. You brought this on yourself.”

Roommate: “My parents are going to kill me!”

(Her parents weren’t very amused when they saw her, but at least she never used my shampoo again!)

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