Category: Roommates

Self-Fulfilling Jealousy

, | Murfreesboro, TN, USA | Roommates, Spouses & Partners

(I’m sharing a dorm room with a friend from high school who has always been a bit of a drama queen. Most recently, she’s decided that I hate her boyfriend. This is despite my repeated assurances that I actually think her boyfriend is a pretty cool guy. The following conversation takes place just after her again mentioning my non-existent hatred of her boyfriend. At this point in my life, I’ve never dated/had a boyfriend, and I’m a little down.)

Roomie: “What’s up?”

Me: “I don’t know. I guess talking about boyfriend stuff has me a little upset.”

Roomie: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, you know how I’ve never had one? Is there just something wrong with me? Something repellent to guys?”

Roomie: *nodding wisely* “So that’s what it is! That’s why you don’t like [Boyfriend]! My mom said it was probably because you were jealous because I always have guys hanging around me.”

Me: *stunned silence*

Roomie: “Don’t worry. I can find someone who will like you.”

(And, indeed, this incident was immediately followed by several weeks of her trying to hook me up with a guy that later got kicked out of school for sexual harassment. Thanks, bud!)

Taking Wuthering Heights To New Lows

| St Paul, MN, USA | Books & Reading, Language & Words, Roommates

(My roommate and I like to read books to each other. On this night, we’re reading ‘Wuthering Heights’ since she just bought a Bronte Sisters anthology.)

Me: *reading book aloud* “Her position before was shelter from the light; now, I had a distinct view of her whole figure and countenance.” *under breath* “Do she got the booty?”

Roommate: “Don’t ruin Bronte, [My Name]! Don’t do it!”

Me: *smirks and continues reading as the author describes the girl’s appearance* “She dooooo!”

Roommate: “Godd*** it, [My Name]!”

Caught Red Handed And Blue Haired

| USA | Hall of Fame, Liars/Scammers, Roommates, Top

(I kept my hair pretty short in college. Despite that, I seemed to go through my supply of shampoo and conditioner after two weeks.)

Me: “I don’t know how I’m using so much. I have really short hair, and it’s just vanishing. You’re not using any of it are you?”

Roommate: “Nuh-uh. I use that anti-frizz stuff that has to sit in my hair for five minutes before I rinse. Maybe the bottles are leaking.”

(I decide to dye my hair blue next time I go to the store, and dump an extra bottle of fast-acting dye into my shampoo to help keep the color from fading so fast. The next day my roommate is taking one of her famously long showers…)

Roommate: *blood-curdling shriek*

Me: “What’s wrong?! Are you okay?!”

Roommate: “My HAIR!”

(She storms out of our bathroom to reveal her waist length, platinum blonde hair dyed with varying shades of teal.)

Me: “Oh, my god. You’ve been using my shampoo!”

Roommate: “Why is there blue dye in your shampoo?!”

Me: “Serves you right for using my stuff without asking, AND lying to me about it. You brought this on yourself.”

Roommate: “My parents are going to kill me!”

(Her parents weren’t very amused when they saw her, but at least she never used my shampoo again!)

Abridged Evil

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Roommates

(My roommate and I have a friend staying overnight. It is getting late and my friend and I are in the bedroom area of our house.)

Roommate: *from the main room, in a bored tone* “Mwa ha.”

Me: “Got it.”

Friend: “Um, what?”

Me: “Oh, that’s us-speak for ‘I’m locking the door and turning off the lights.’ You know, like ‘Mwa ha ha, now I have you in my evil power!’ Only it’s routine, so it’s just kind of…” *shrugs* “‘Mwa ha.'”

Friend: “You two are weird.”

Me: “This is not news.”

Cards And Inhumanity

| Ephraim, UT, USA | Bad Behavior, Games, Roommates

(Earlier in the evening I’d won a card game while playing with my roommates. My best friend at the time was angry, so she shoves a load of crumpled up paper underneath my sheets. She laughs as I clean it out and I curl up to sleep. The next morning I ask her why she did that since she knew pranks on my bed always upset me.)

Roommate: “It was the meanest thing I thought to do.”

Me: “You know I hate my bed messed with, and your laughing at me made me cry myself to sleep.”

Roommate: “I don’t pity you. You won in the card game.” *walks off

(There’s a reason we’re not friends anymore.)