Category: Roommates


Sock It To Them

| GA, USA | Games, Gatherings, Geeks Rule, Popular, Roommates

(My two roommates are engaged to be married later in the week, and are leaving for the venue the day before I am. Roommate #1 has ordered a package containing some amusing products that will not be arriving till the day after they both leave, which is the day I leave. We are all sitting in the game lounge when this occurs.)

Roommate #2: “[My Name]! [Roommate #2]’s socks and underwear won’t be here till Thursday. Your mission is to bring them with you. Mission accepted?”

Me: “Mission accepted!”

Roommate #2: “Yay! Socks and underwear!”

Me: “Socks and underwear!”


(Roommate #1 has been sitting in silence up to this point. Roommate #2 addresses him:)

Roommate #2: “Did you enjoy our battle cry, baby?”

Roommate #1: “I’m just trying to enjoy my lemon bar…”

(I’ve just moved in with them. I think I’m going to like it here.)


We Have A New Number One Problem

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Pets & Animals, Popular, Roommates

(One of my roommates got a puppy. Unfortunately, they had no intention of training the dog. This was only one of many, MANY scenarios, and it happens when the pup was roughly 4-6 months old…)

Roommate: “Okay, well, we’re off for the evening!”

Me: “Have fun!”

Dog: *pees on the welcome mat while their owner is standing on that same mat*

Roommate: “Oh, [Dog].” *sighs* “Well, anyway, see you later!”

(My roommate then left the house, without scolding said dog for using the house as a potty AGAIN, and without cleaning the mat that they saw their pup pee on. I once caught the dog peeing on the living room rug in front of their owner, and the owner said “We don’t have to clean it; it’s just urine!” I moved out shortly after this.)


Psycho About Cleanliness

| Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Roommates

(I just got an interview for a job as a cleaner at my university. I’m currently in the kitchen talking about what I’m going to say in my interview with my flatmate.)

Me: “I mean, what can I say if they ask why I want the job except ‘the pay’? I went on and on about my attention to detail in my CV—”

Flatmate: “Just tell them you really love cleaning things.”

Me: “Sorry, what? Since when have I loved cleaning?”

Flatmate: “You know, you’re always just like—” *motions with hands* “—eek! eek! eek!”

Me: “Are you implying I’m psycho?”

Flatmate: “What? No! Is that what that sounded like? I meant you… you just like it when things are squeaky clean.”

(Thank goodness I turned down her offer for a character reference.)


Got Your Quasi-Mojo

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Pets & Animals, Popular, Roommates

(Saturday morning and I am taking a break between loads of laundry while the roommate washes dishes. Our kitchen window overlooks the backyard. It should also be noted that the roommate is a huge Disney fan, whereas I am less so.)

Roommate: “Doggone it.”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Roommate: “That squirrel is back on the bird feeder. Hey! Beat it! Go away! …which does not mean help yourself to more seed, you greedy little jerk. Don’t make me come out there!”

Me: “I don’t think that’s going to work.”

Roommate: “Don’t make me send [My Name] out there! Aaand he’s gone.”

Me: “Seriously?”

Roommate: “Yup. You are the anti-Disney princess. Woodland creatures flee in terror at the sound of your name!”

Me: “Life goal, accomplished.”


Your Friendship Is Just A Shell

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Games, Popular, Roommates

(My roommate, his boyfriend, and I are playing Mario Kart. My roommate hasn’t had much experience with the game, so we’re explaining to him about the item boxes.)

Roommate’s Boyfriend: “…so then you have Koopa shells: green, red and blue. The green ones shoot forward and ricochet off walls, and the red ones track down and hit the driver in front of you.”

Roommate: “So what do the blue shells do?”

Me: “Destroy friendships.”

Roommate’s Boyfriend: “Yeah, pretty much.”