Category: Roommates

He’s An A**-Whole

| Vancouver, BC, USA | Popular, Roommates

Roommate #1: “Hey, do you have any milk I could borrow?”

Me: “Yeah, sure, here you go.”

Roommate #1: “Eww! One percent?! Who drinks one percent?”

Me: “Uh, me and my entire family?”

Roommate #1: “Gross! It’s like water! I can only drink whole.”

Me: *actively refraining from telling him that I think whole milk is like drinking paint* “That’s what I have. Take it or leave it.”

(Just then our other roommate walks in the door.)

Roommate #1: “Oh, thank god. Hey, [Roommate #2], please tell me you have some milk I can borrow?”

Roommate #2: “Yeah, of course. Here.”

(She reaches into her shopping bag and pulls out… a carton of soy milk. I just about kill myself laughing at the look on Roommate #1’s face.)

Can Come Up With Puns In Your Sleep

| VA, USA | Popular, Pun, Roommates

(At the time, my roommate is planning for a trip to New York City to visit her mother and see a few Broadway shows.)

Roommate: “I know when I get there I’m sure I’ll feel fine and I’ll really enjoy everything, but right now, I’m just so tired! It’s hard to imagine having the energy for it all at the moment.”

Me: “I can see it now. The next big Broadway show: ‘Naps!’”

(She laughs, then thinks for a minute. Then…)

Roommate: “It’ll be a sleeper hit!”

Me: *groans*

Roommate: *laughing* “It’ll be an OVERNIGHT sensation!”

Me: *groans louder* “Stop!”

Roommate: “Wait, wait, one more! How can it be popular… in ‘the city that never sleeps’?!”

(I threatened to spray her with the squirt bottle we use on the cats.)

Sock It To Them

| GA, USA | Games, Gatherings, Geeks Rule, Popular, Roommates

(My two roommates are engaged to be married later in the week, and are leaving for the venue the day before I am. Roommate #1 has ordered a package containing some amusing products that will not be arriving till the day after they both leave, which is the day I leave. We are all sitting in the game lounge when this occurs.)

Roommate #2: “[My Name]! [Roommate #2]’s socks and underwear won’t be here till Thursday. Your mission is to bring them with you. Mission accepted?”

Me: “Mission accepted!”

Roommate #2: “Yay! Socks and underwear!”

Me: “Socks and underwear!”

In Unison: “SOCKS AND UNDERWEAR!”

(Roommate #1 has been sitting in silence up to this point. Roommate #2 addresses him:)

Roommate #2: “Did you enjoy our battle cry, baby?”

Roommate #1: “I’m just trying to enjoy my lemon bar…”

(I’ve just moved in with them. I think I’m going to like it here.)

We Have A New Number One Problem

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Pets & Animals, Popular, Roommates

(One of my roommates got a puppy. Unfortunately, they had no intention of training the dog. This was only one of many, MANY scenarios, and it happens when the pup was roughly 4-6 months old…)

Roommate: “Okay, well, we’re off for the evening!”

Me: “Have fun!”

Dog: *pees on the welcome mat while their owner is standing on that same mat*

Roommate: “Oh, [Dog].” *sighs* “Well, anyway, see you later!”

(My roommate then left the house, without scolding said dog for using the house as a potty AGAIN, and without cleaning the mat that they saw their pup pee on. I once caught the dog peeing on the living room rug in front of their owner, and the owner said “We don’t have to clean it; it’s just urine!” I moved out shortly after this.)

Psycho About Cleanliness

| Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Roommates

(I just got an interview for a job as a cleaner at my university. I’m currently in the kitchen talking about what I’m going to say in my interview with my flatmate.)

Me: “I mean, what can I say if they ask why I want the job except ‘the pay’? I went on and on about my attention to detail in my CV—”

Flatmate: “Just tell them you really love cleaning things.”

Me: “Sorry, what? Since when have I loved cleaning?”

Flatmate: “You know, you’re always just like—” *motions with hands* “—eek! eek! eek!”

Me: “Are you implying I’m psycho?”

Flatmate: “What? No! Is that what that sounded like? I meant you… you just like it when things are squeaky clean.”

(Thank goodness I turned down her offer for a character reference.)