Category: Roommates

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Would Kill To Be Your Roommate

| SC, USA | Pets & Animals, Popular, Roommates

(I moved to South Carolina for graduate school after growing up in the North. In South Carolina, cockroaches, known as “palmetto bugs,” are common, even in the cleanest of homes. They are simply everywhere, and one just has to learn how to deal with them. My roommate is a local of the town, and from a very wealthy family. For some reason, she never encountered palmetto bugs in her own home, presumably because her parents must have sprayed their property ad nauseam to keep them away. This means that she won’t go near them whenever they appear in our apartment, so killing them is up to me. Since my roommate generally does not contribute to the household chores and upkeep of the apartment like I do, I find this a little annoying since I do not like dealing with the palmetto bugs myself. One day, I am at my office in the university. I have my bag packed and am ready to head out the door to go home. I suddenly get a text from my roommate.)

Roommate: “When are you coming home?”

(While my roommate and I are not antagonistic toward one another, we aren’t exactly buddies either, so I find this odd.)

Me: “Um, I am just finishing up a few things here. What’s up?”

Roommate: “There’s a cockroach here!”

(I pause, slowly unpack my bag, and sit back down at my desk. I ignore her text for some time. More texts follow.)

Roommate: “It’s crawling toward me!”

Roommate: “It flew at me! I locked myself in my room!”

Roommate: “Now it’s just sitting on the floor, looking at me!”

(I respond to some of the texts with a chuckle, but mostly ignore the them. After an hour has passed, I get hungry and decide I should go home now. Once I get home, I find my roommate scrubbing the floor in front of the bedrooms.)

Roommate: “You couldn’t have been back five minutes ago? I had to kill it myself so I could get myself a pizza!”

Me: “Yeah, sorry. But hey, it’s your first kill!”

(She glared at me. She knew what I did.)

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Your Argument Is Broken

| CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Popular, Roommates

(I’m sitting in our suite on a rainy day watching TV when Suitemate #1 storms in soaking wet.)

Suitemate #1: *pissed off* “You’re such an a**-hole, [My Name].”

Me: *sarcastically* “What did I do this time?”

Suitemate #1: “You didn’t tell me your f****** umbrella was broken and I got soaked. Just look at me.”

Me: “That’s cool, [Suitemate #1].”

Suitemate #1: *serious* “You need to throw away your broken s***, man, or at least tell me so I don’t use it. I need a shower now and you owe me for laundry on these wet clothes, you a**-hole.” *storms off*

(Suitemate #2 comes in.)

Suitemate #2: “Who gave him permission to use your umbrella?”

Me: “Not me.”

Suitemate #2: “I’m so sorry, man.”

Me: “Oh, I could not care less. Serves him right for stealing things out of my room.”

(Just for the record, I didn’t pay for Suitemate #1’s laundry. He was mad that I didn’t tell him about the umbrella but I guess the fact that I had bought a new one while he had gone shopping with me wasn’t enough of a hint for him.)

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Micro-Managing Your Dinner

| USA | Awesome, Food & Drink, Popular, Roommates

(My college roommate is from Japan, so we try to hunt down the things and foods that she has trouble finding in the US. During our sophomore year, we are in a tiny Asian market and find packets of “furikake” (flavor packets you can add to rice, which often includes dehydrated veggies, etc) in a specific brand she loves. She is so excited, she brings several to take back to the dorms. Our dorms are part of the original college campus built in the late 1800s, so there are a lot of appliances we aren’t allowed to have, and there isn’t a rice maker in the common kitchen. I really wasn’t sure how she planned to use the furikake. We get back to our dorm, and she starts carefully moving everything out of her small closet.)

Roommate: “Ah! Here it is!” *pulls out the smallest rice cooker I’ve ever seen* “Ta dah!”

Me: *surprised* “Have you had that this whole time?”

Roommate: “Un.” *says casual version of “yes” and then dives back into the closet*

(I hear her dragging something heavy across the floor, which turns out to be a 10 lb bag of rice she’d somehow managed to fit into the back of her closet.)

Me: *jaw drops* “Where did that come from?”

Roommate: “I bought it during move-in week!”

(As if everyone keeps a 10 lb bag of rice in their closet. She then pulls out a variety of other Japanese goods she’d apparently been squirreling away.)

Me: “You have a Japanese food Mary Poppins closet!”

(That night we had rice with mushroom furikake, and it was delicious.)

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Must Have Got Your Cables Crossed

, | NY, USA | Popular, Roommates

Roommate: “I went and ordered cable TV. You owe me for half.”

Me: “I didn’t want cable TV.”

Roommate: “Well, you need to pay for half of it.”

Me: “But I didn’t want it.”

Roommate: “You’d better not watch my TV then!”

(So I made a point to not watch … something I didn’t want in the first place, and something she didn’t tell me about until AFTER ordering it!)

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Life Is Not So Sim-ple

| Popular, Roommates, Technology

(I’m playing a popular simulation game and decide to make me and my housemates in the game. Their interactions are uncanny, and one housemate particularly enjoys watching them as I play. One day, she asks me to get her an in-game partner. It’s worth noting that for the past couple of years, she’s had terrible luck with real life relationships, including some stalking behavior from her most recent ex.)

Me: “So, what kind of partner do you want?”

Housemate: “The maid is pretty. What about her?”

(It takes about two game-days for the characters to fall completely in love, and on the third day…)

Me: “Er, [Housemate], it looks like your girlfriend quit her job. We have a new maid.”

Housemate: “That’s weird. Can I see her anyway?”

Me: “I can’t find her anywhere! She’s not even in your relationship panel anymore. I don’t know how to tell you this… but I think your girlfriend skipped town.”

Housemate: “What?! Well, that’s just… typical.” *pouts*

(I wound up creating her a new partner and making her part of our household so nothing like that would happen again. The weirdest part was about a week later, when her ex suddenly reappeared in the game as a maid, wandered into our house, poked around, and then left, this time for good. She couldn’t be interacted with. My housemate was muttering “F***ing typical” the whole time!)