Category: Roommates

Unable To Think Inside Or Outside The Box

| Extra Stupid, Roommates

(I recently moved into an apartment with three strangers. They are all younger and know less about the world. One of them has just come back into town.)

Roommate #1: “[Roommate #2], you got a letter while you were gone.”

Roommate #2: “Wait, a letter came here?”

Me: “Yeah, on Friday.”

Roommate #2: “Not to the mailbox?”

Me: “It came through the mailbox to get here.”

Roommate #2: “So are we all sharing a mailbox?”

(We had been living there for over a month. I was speechless.)

The Mystery Of The Sausage Porno

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Roommates

(The roommate is playing a hidden objects game on her tablet.)

Roommate: “I need to find a sausage, a mouse, and a backpack.”

Me: “My brain is trying to turn that into either a mystery novel or a porno.”

Roommate: *without hesitation* “That would be a WEIRD porno.”

Me: “I love how that’s the one you instantly went with…”

He’s An A**-Whole

| Vancouver, BC, USA | Popular, Roommates

Roommate #1: “Hey, do you have any milk I could borrow?”

Me: “Yeah, sure, here you go.”

Roommate #1: “Eww! One percent?! Who drinks one percent?”

Me: “Uh, me and my entire family?”

Roommate #1: “Gross! It’s like water! I can only drink whole.”

Me: *actively refraining from telling him that I think whole milk is like drinking paint* “That’s what I have. Take it or leave it.”

(Just then our other roommate walks in the door.)

Roommate #1: “Oh, thank god. Hey, [Roommate #2], please tell me you have some milk I can borrow?”

Roommate #2: “Yeah, of course. Here.”

(She reaches into her shopping bag and pulls out… a carton of soy milk. I just about kill myself laughing at the look on Roommate #1’s face.)

Can Come Up With Puns In Your Sleep

| VA, USA | Popular, Pun, Roommates

(At the time, my roommate is planning for a trip to New York City to visit her mother and see a few Broadway shows.)

Roommate: “I know when I get there I’m sure I’ll feel fine and I’ll really enjoy everything, but right now, I’m just so tired! It’s hard to imagine having the energy for it all at the moment.”

Me: “I can see it now. The next big Broadway show: ‘Naps!’”

(She laughs, then thinks for a minute. Then…)

Roommate: “It’ll be a sleeper hit!”

Me: *groans*

Roommate: *laughing* “It’ll be an OVERNIGHT sensation!”

Me: *groans louder* “Stop!”

Roommate: “Wait, wait, one more! How can it be popular… in ‘the city that never sleeps’?!”

(I threatened to spray her with the squirt bottle we use on the cats.)

Sock It To Them

| GA, USA | Games, Gatherings, Geeks Rule, Popular, Roommates

(My two roommates are engaged to be married later in the week, and are leaving for the venue the day before I am. Roommate #1 has ordered a package containing some amusing products that will not be arriving till the day after they both leave, which is the day I leave. We are all sitting in the game lounge when this occurs.)

Roommate #2: “[My Name]! [Roommate #2]’s socks and underwear won’t be here till Thursday. Your mission is to bring them with you. Mission accepted?”

Me: “Mission accepted!”

Roommate #2: “Yay! Socks and underwear!”

Me: “Socks and underwear!”

In Unison: “SOCKS AND UNDERWEAR!”

(Roommate #1 has been sitting in silence up to this point. Roommate #2 addresses him:)

Roommate #2: “Did you enjoy our battle cry, baby?”

Roommate #1: “I’m just trying to enjoy my lemon bar…”

(I’ve just moved in with them. I think I’m going to like it here.)