Shall We Take This Into… The Kitchen?

| Lancaster, PA, USA | Funny Names, Language & Words, LGBTQ

(I’m driving in the car with my friend. Our current topic of conversation is sexuality. It should be noted that my friend is gay.)

Friend: “So [Coworker] told me the other day that he’s pansexual.”

Me: “Oh, yeah? Cool. I didn’t know that.”

Friend: “Yeah. I’d actually never heard of that before.”

Me: “Really?”

Friend: “Yeah. So I didn’t know what he meant at first. I was like, does that mean you’re into pans or something?”

(We both shared a laugh at that. Ignorance can sometimes be very amusing.)

Needs To Double Your Efforts In Math

| Geneva, Switzerland | Family & Kids, Math & Science

(I’m at the 12th birthday party of a friend with my six-year-old son.)

Friend: “Hey, how old is your son now?”

Me: “He’s six. It’s easy; he’s half the age of the birthday girl”.

Another Mum: “Yes, for this year only, she’s twice his age”.

Friend: “No, no, it’ll happen again! When she’s 24, he’ll be 12!”

Me: “Uh, nope, he’ll be 18! Maths is not your thing, I think!”

Take The Exit At Santa’s House

| Philadelphia, PA, USA | Geography, Transportation

(We were driving back to NY from a conference in Philadelphia. I’m the driver.)

Me: “Oh, no! We got on the highway going north when we need to be going south.”

Friend: “Well, if we go north long enough we’ll eventually go south.”

Me: “Yeah, when we reach the North Pole. Remind me never to let you navigate.”

Hugging Against Hate

| CA, USA | Bigotry, LGBTQ, Religion, Strangers

(Although my best friend and I have been texting, we haven’t physically seen each other in months. One day, I’m at the park when I see her in the distance.)

Me: “[Friend]!”

Friend: “[My Name]!”

Me: *tackle-hugs friend* “I haven’t seen you in forever. Oh, my god! I missed you!”

Friend: *still hugging* “I missed you, too! I can’t believe you’re here!”

Random Woman: *performs the sign of the cross* “Get those ungodly habits away from me!”

Me: “Um… what?”

Random Woman: “You’re going to Hell, you and your girlfriend both!”

Me: “Oh! Yeah, sorry for the misunderstanding, ma’am, this is just my friend. I haven’t seen her in months.”

Random Woman: “You’re going to Hell!”

Me: “Okay, we should go now…”

Random Woman: “Evil lesbian lovers!”

No One Changes The Subjects As Much As Gaston!

| Norway | Geeks Rule, LGBTQ, Movies & TV

(My best friend [BFF] has recently moved in with her boyfriend [BF], and I’m at their place along with BFF’s twin sister [Friend #1], [BF]’s twin sister [Friend #2] and her husband [Friend #3], and [BF]’s older brother [Friend #4]. We’ve been watching a movie, and are now talking about how a certain Disney movie will feature a gay character.)

Friend #3: “Ironically, the actor playing Gaston is actually gay.”

Friend #2: “Who’s playing Gaston?”

Me: “Luke Evans. He’s the guy in The Hobbit who looked more like Orlando Bloom than Orlando Bloom did in The Hobbit.”

Friend #4: “That was the guy who was the father, right? Oh, he was like a real-life Orlando Bloom!”

BFF: “Wait, Orlando Bloom is a father?”

Me: “Yeah, he has a kid with that model, Miranda Kerr, I think?”

Friend #1: “I thought he was dating Katy Perry? He’s just like her ex, by the way.”

Me: “Did you just compare Orlando Bloom to Russell Brand?”

Friend #2: “Who’s that?”

Me: “British comedian; he was in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.”

Friend #3: “Oh, yeah, that guy. Yeah, I don’t see the similarities either. Well, maybe the hair, but not personality-wise.”

Me: “Funnily enough, I think he too has a kid now.”

BF: “I’m confused; how did we get from watching Yes Man to Russell Brand having a kid?”