Coining A New Phrase

| Poolesville, MD, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Gatherings, Money

(I’m an avid coin collector and I tend to get fairly twitchy when I see a large pile of coins, not because I’m a hoarder, but because I want to sort through them. On this day, a friend of a friend has brought in a small box of pennies.)

Friend Of Friend: *pulls out box of pennies*

Me: *starts getting twitchy*

Friend: “[My Name], CALM YOUR COIN COLLECTOR!”

Romance Takes A Critical Hit

| East Midlands, England, UK | Games, Gatherings, Love/Romance

(My four friends and I play D and D on the weekends, I’m currently the DM and using the storyline I’ve created, I tend to make things easier or harder for my friends depending on how I feel or if they annoy me.)

(1. They enter a town and take a break in the town square where a statue of the local god is present.)

Friend #1: *whose character is wearing full metal armour* “I’m going to take a rest on the statue.”

Friend #2: *who has a high knowledge skill* “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Friend #1: *stares intensely* “I sit down on the statue’s base.”

Me: “Roll for dodging.” *rolls a four* “A giant bolt of lightning hits you as soon as you sit down. Lose three health.”

(2. They rest outside a dungeon after completing it, Friend #3 has brought along a female mercenary, whom he named Cecilia, in an attempt to flirt with her. Most of us are annoyed at him continually doing this.)

Me: “Night descends and you all rest. [Friend #3], roll.”

Friend #3: “I got a 7. Why?”

Me: “No reason. You all awake when the sunlight hits you, but you notice two things: one, you’ve been robbed, and two, Cecilia has vanished without a trace.”

Friend #3: “I hate you so much.”

Me: “I guess you could say she’s breaking your heart.”

A Very Special Brain

| CA, USA | Awesome, Best Friends, Health & Body

(My roommate is diagnosed with brain cancer, and given two years. He immediately adopts an attitude of complete denial, because it won’t make any difference in how long he has, but it certainly improves his outlook on life. He does do the radiation/chemo stuff, though. He makes it his goal to make the nurses at the radiation center laugh at least once every time he is there, since they get little opportunity to do so. He takes great pride in generally succeeding. One day, however, he comes home beaming with pride at having come up with one they’d never heard before:)

Friend: “I wasn’t really worried, until I was in the operating room, and the surgeon came in with an ice cream scoop and a squeeze bottle of chocolate.”

(He said the nurse was entirely grossed out — and immediately ran off to tell all the other nurses. They loved him. (He beat the diagnosis by six months.))

Sounds Like They’re On “Everything”

| USA | Health & Body

(My friend talks very softly while I have trouble hearing at times. I also tend to have trouble finding words or phrases (e.g. “Are you… food wanting?”), so together we tend to have a lot of “What? Oh, I thought you said THIS!” moments. We get off track easily, too. This is one of the train wreck conversations we had.)

Me: “You know those days when your body seems to be working against you?”

Friend: “No…?”

Me: “This is supposed to be the part where you agree and sympathize with me.”

Friend: “I haven’t really experienced that, though, so… Is it your back or your head or your everything?”

Me: “My everything.”

Friend: “We’ll need to perform an everything-ectomy.”

Me: “A what?”

Friend: “An everything-ectomy.”

Me: “Oh, at first I thought you said ‘an everything eczema,’ but that didn’t make sense, so then I thought you said ‘an everything enema,’ which made slightly more sense, but ‘an everything-ectomy’ ACTUALLY makes sense!”

Friend: “An everything enema?! Man, that would hurt!”

Me: “You’d basically have to turn inside out, because all of your organs are connected.”

Friend: “Oh, I was thinking everything in a cosmic or philosophical sense.”

Me: “Ooh, yeah, that’s even worse.”

Friend: “Of all the weird, horrific medical experiments I’ve thought of, this is one I don’t want to try.”

Me: “Good idea.”

Jailhouse Bump

| NY, USA | Awesome, Strangers

(I’m picking up a few things from the grocery store in a rush because I have a party to get to. I’m reading the list of things I need to get from my phone, and forget to watch where I’m going. I run full force into a very buff, tattooed, tough looking man.)

Me: “Oh, no, I’m so sorry!”

(The man looks calmly at me and puts his hand on my shoulder.)

Man: “My man, I just finished a ten year sentence at [Federal Prison]. I’m about to go home and make love to my beautiful wife for the first time in a f****** decade. You could hit me in the face with a baseball bat right now, and it would not ruin my mood one bit. Don’t even worry about bumping into me.”

Me: “Oh…” *unsure of how to respond* “Um, congratulations on getting out?”

Man: “Thanks. Now go tell someone you love ’em. Peace out, dude.”

(He walked away, leaving me both confused and amused. I think about that encounter every day. I hope he’s still doing well out there.)