History Is Ganging Up On You

| PA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, History, Popular

(In the 1800s, a secret society called the Molly Maguires was very active in our state, so even though nothing ever happened in our town, they are considered local history. One of my high school teachers is somewhat of an expert on them, so he comes in to talk to our AP U.S. History class about them. Unfortunately, I am sick that day and miss his presentation. My friend and I are texting each other a few days later.)

Me: “I just finished my DBQ,” *document-based question, an assignment from AP U.S. History* “so I’m finally done with everything that I missed while I was out.”

Friend: “That’s good! You did miss the Molly Maguires lecture Mr. [Teacher] gave, though.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s was disappointing. I was kind of looking forward to that. Was it good?”

Friend: “Yeah, it was. He really knew what he was talking about.”

Me: “That sounds cool. The fact that it’s local history makes it much more relatable, too.”

Friend: “I still can’t picture it as being local.”

Me: “Weird to think that all that stuff happened a few hours away.”

Friend: “Why didn’t anything happen in [Our Small, Rural Town] though? It’s been around for centuries, so how come there’s not much history?”

(Pause.)

Friend: “I just realized I’m basically complaining about the lack of historical gang violence.”

Bad Words, Good Cause

| St Petersburg, FL, USA | Bigotry, Popular

(I am hanging with my friend. His dad is a raging alcoholic and bigot. As an (undiagnosed, at the time) autistic sufferer, and being 12 years old, my brain has no filter. We are chilling one day when his dad decided to ‘teach’ us about gay people, including how they are all pedophiles and ‘can’t help themselves.’)

Friend’s Dad: “So, did you both learn what I told you? Repeat it.”

Friend: *repeats his dad*

Me: “You’re a f***ing idiot.”

(My friend’s dad grabs my arm and drags me across the street to my grandma’s house, where we are renting.)

Friends Dad: *to Mom* “Your son was extremely disrespectful! You need to teach him to respect his elders! He called me a f***ing idiot!”

Mom: *to me* “[My Name]!”

Me: “Ask [Friend’s Dad] what he was teaching us!”

(Mom looks at Friend’s Dad curiously.)

Friend’s Dad: *repeats bigoted rant*

(Mom grabs my arm and pulls me into the house.)

Mom: “You’re a f***ing idiot!”

Best Not To Go Back For Seconds

| USA | Popular, Rude & Risque

Friend #1: “I hate having to eat out by myself.”

Friend #2: “I’m sorry. It’s not that bad.”

Friend #3: “Sorry. Next time, give me a call. I’ll join you.”

Me: “I… um… totally read this wrong.”

Losing Weight And Friends

| Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Popular

(A friend and I joined a gym around the same time last year. She started going more often than I did for a short while, then later stopped all together. I had done the same but over the past week I decided to become much more serious with getting fit and losing weight. I also joined an online weight-loss and coaching group.)

Me: “D***, I packed everything but my track pants.”

Friend: “Oh, have you started going back to the gym?”

Me: “Yes. I went on Monday. I also joined [Online Group], too, and have lost two and a half kilos since last week.”

Friend: *sneering at me* “It doesn’t look it.”

The Plot Thickens

| Chicago, IL, USA | Popular, Punny

(My friend is doing math homework and talking himself through the problems.)

Friend: “Hmm, the graph flipped.”

Me: *mockingly* “Plot twist!”

Friend: “…was that a graphing joke?”

Me: *realization* “Did I… Was that… That was the best accidental pun I’ve ever made.”