Finish His Plate In Less Than 12 Parsnips

| East Lansing, MI, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Geeks Rule, Hall of Fame, Top

(Many years ago, when ‘Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back’ was first out, a group of friends and I go to a science fiction convention in full Imperial costume. One of us has a full Darth Vader costume, complete with breathing sounds and functioning vocoder, rendering his voice deep and quite similar to Darth’s. Lord Vader is played by a 5’6″ fellow, who, with lifts, makes the full seven feet in height. We, costumed as Imperial officers and marching in formation, accompany him into a restaurant and sit down for dinner. A mother and her small son are seated nearby, and could not help but notice us.)

Mom: *to her son* “There, son, you see? If you eat your vegetables, you’ll grow up to be big and strong just like Darth Vader!”

(Lord Vader begins to rise from his seat. Naturally, as his officers all eight of us rise as well and stand to attention. ‘Lord Vader’ turns and gravely addresses the little boy. In a deep baritone that carries through the room, he speaks:)

Vader: “When I was a child, I never ate my vegetables… and you do not have to, either.”

(He then turns back and sits down. We sit down and continue our meal. When we go to pay for our meal, the restaurant owner approaches me. I am dressed as the Admiral.)

Owner: “Sir… Why did Darth Vader tell that little boy he didn’t have to eat his vegetables?!”

(I keep a straight face and reply in my very best British clip.)

Me: “Well, after all, sir… We are evil.”

Who Wears The Pants In This Relationship

| USA | Roommates, Spouses & Partners

(I am at my boyfriend’s apartment. His roommate is female, but I’m not worried about anything happening at all because she’s involved with somebody, isn’t his type, and they’re old friends. I once asked them if they’d ever thought about seeing each other, and she said it would be like dating her brother. There’s a knock on the door, and since my boyfriend and I are in the middle of cooking dinner, he calls out to her:)

Boyfriend: “Hey, [Roommate]?”

Roommate: *yells back* “Yeah?”

Boyfriend: “Can you do me a favor?”

Roommate: “That depends. Does it involve pants?”

They Were Saved

| Sweden | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Hall of Fame, Health & Body, Religion, Spouses & Partners, Top

(My mom is a nurse. I’m out with her and my big brother to do some shopping. We become witnesses to a car accident. The car loses control and runs down a slope, ramming into a tree. Steam starts spewing from the engine from the impact. Of us three, I’m the physically strongest and my big brother is the only one with a cellphone on him. Mom instantly takes control.)

Me: “Oh, d***!”

Mom: “[My Name], you get that car door open, NOW! We have to get them out!”

Me: “No need to tell me twice!”

Mom: “[Brother], you call an ambulance, post-haste!”

Brother: “On it!”

(I dash to the car and notice three people inside: a man, a woman and a small child who looks like she’s about six or seven years old at most. None seem hurt, but the child is obviously scared. I proceed to quickly open the door to the driver’s seat.)

Me: “Get out! Now!”

Man: “M-My wife… and kid…”

Me: “Not now! Get out!”

(I remove his safety belt and get him out. Mom hurries up to him and leads him away as I enter the car and remove the safety belt from the woman and pull her out through the already open door.)

Woman: “Wait, our baby!”

(The girl’s door is locked, so I ended up smashing the window. Just as I do, fire starts spewing from the engine and I start to worry.)

Me: “Kid, listen here. I know you don’t know who I am. I know it’s scary. But please, just hold on tight. All right?”

(The girl sobs and nods carefully as I remove her seatbelt. I proceed to put my arms around her to help her out, as she’s obviously too scared to move. Just as I stand back up, the woman from earlier starts screaming.)

Woman: “You b******! Hands off my daughter!”

Me: “What? Woman, are you NUTS? I just saved your LIVES!”

Woman: “No, it’s your fault to begin with that we lost control! I know that Jesus Christ would have saved us faster than he did!”

(Multiple onlookers start yelling at the woman, calling her a poor parent.)

Onlooker: “Woman, I saw the entire thing! Your husband lost control of the car and you crashed into a tree! Those three did everything in their power – and then some – to save you all!”

(Another onlooker has been recording everything once confirmed no one was hurt, in case the police would need it.)

Woman: “He didn’t lose control of the car! I’m a mechanic! I just locked the steering wheel! He wouldn’t believe that our Lord would save us, so I had to prove it to him!”

(Mom, who has been helping the ambulance personnel remove the glass stuck in the man’s face, walks over to her upon hearing this.)

Mom: “So you’re saying you risked no less than THREE LIVES just to prove you’re a Godd*** moron!?”

Woman: “How dare you speak the Lord’s name! You filthy heathen! May he strike you down where you stand!”

(I’m roughly a foot taller than my mother and raise my hand straight into the air.)

Me: “If there’s a God, then let him smite me where I stand!”

(Nothing happens and the woman starts yelling profanity at us, telling us how we’re all going to burn in Hell, among other things. My mom sighs deeply as she continues and turns to the woman’s husband.)

Mom: “Are you going to be all right?”

Man: “Can you ask the police to dump her in a jail and throw away the key?”

Mom: Hah! I noticed an onlooker recording it all! So anything she might say, we’ll have proof if she said it or not!”

(Roughly a month later, the woman was sent to jail for endangering lives. As it turns out, she was by no means a mechanic – the car was faulty and they were going to a mechanic to get it fixed. Roughly two weeks after she got sent to jail, the man and his daughter sent a ‘thank you’ card to everyone involved. In mine, it said “I’m grateful that you saved the lives of me and my daughter. And no, I haven’t forgotten my ex-wife was involved there, but frankly, I wanted to divorce her anyway…”)

Sweet Loss Of Innocence

| Lake Tapps, WA, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I am just getting out of the car after arriving home to pick up my roommate. His mom and her boyfriend are in the car. I’ve noticed that my [brand] candy somehow went missing. I am female and 20 years old.)

Me: “Man, I lost my cherry candy!”

(Both get quiet in the front seat.)

Me: “What? I lost my candy.”

(They start to laugh.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, we thought you said you lost your cherry.”

Complimentary Tampons

| Finland | Hall of Fame, Health & Body, LGBTQ, Top

(Our friend was born male, but has been living as a woman most of the time I’ve known her. She is temporarily living with our family. She tends to sleep during the day while the rest of us are awake, so I am explaining how to use earplugs.)

Me: “Earplugs are like tampons: when you have them in right, you don’t feel them.”

Friend: “I’ve never used tampons.”

Me: “Oh, did you use pads?”

Friend: “Think about what you just said for a minute.”

Me: “Oh! I totally forgot that you weren’t born female!”

Friend: “Most. Awkward. Compliment. Ever.”