These Are The Friends You Are Looking For

| Moorhed, MN, USA | Geeks Rule, Technology

(Some friends and I are hanging out and talking in the student center as it gets close to closing time. One of them, the only guy, checks his phone and notices it’s almost dead.)

Friend #1: “Does anyone have their iPhone charger? I’m at two percent.”

Friend #2: *hold up phone* “Droid.”

Me: “Droid.”

Friend #3: “Droid.”

Friend #1: *mildly frustrated* “Effin’ droids.”

Me: “We are not the droids you’re looking for.”

(Friend #2 starts laughing while Friend #1 jokingly points to the door.)

Friend #1: “Get out.”

Friend #2: *still laughing* “No, she stays.”

Friend #1: “Out.”

Friend #2: “Stay.”

Friend #3: “She can stay. I’m the tie-breaker.”

Me: “Case closed. Bring in the dancing lobsters.”

Friend #3: “Okay, now you actually can stay.”

Man’s Best Tax Break

| Winston-Salem, NC, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Pets & Animals

(I am reading about unusual laws.)

Me: “It is required that you must pay a property tax on your dog.”

Friend: *gasp* “A dog isn’t property. It’s family.”

A Tortured Road To Friendship

| Lexington, KY, USA | Bizarre/Silly, New Friends

(My good friend has arranged for one of his friends to meet us for dinner. I’m a bit nervous as I’m shy around new people and I’ve heard she’s selective about who she hangs out with.)

Friend: “Relax, you’ll be fine. You two have a lot in common.”

Me: “Alright, if you say so…”

(His friend arrives, and they start talking. I chip in when I can, and slowly get more comfortable with the situation. Then, his friend starts ranting about an awful coworker at her job and the conversation turns to various ways of torturing said coworker.)

Friend: “Bamboo strips under the nails are pretty painful…

Friend’s Friend: “Yes, but I want this guy to die slowly. Strips aren’t lethal. I was thinking about just doing what Poe did and having a blade on a pendulum slowly kill him.”

Me: “Pfft, what you really need to do is truss him up, shove a wooden 2×4 covered in barbed wire up where the sun don’t shine, and drop him into a pit of rats.”

Friend’s Friend: “Wouldn’t the rats chew through the ropes and let him escape?”

Me: “Maybe. But you cover him and the stick in raw meat before dropping him into the rat pit. Munch, munch, munch…”

(There is dead silence for several moments.)

Friend’s Friend: “… I think I like you. What’s your phone number?”

The Town Is Dying

| Everett, WA, USA | Games, Technology, Zombies

(While waiting for some other friends to arrive, I’m describing my play experience with a new videogame.)

Me: “And all these stags and rabbits keep killing themselves on my wooden spike traps, but I don’t dare go and harvest the meat because the zombies will see me!”

Friend: *walking in* “Man, life in Marysville is getting tougher than I thought!”

Nothing Like The Smell Of Passive Aggressiveness In The Morning

| OR, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

(My mother and I are out shopping on Black Friday. We run into a girl we know from church – almost literally ran into her with our cart. I can admit that I wasn’t quite as slim as when I had left for college a few years ago.)

Mom: “Hi, there!”

Me: “Hi!”

(Our friend turns to see who’s greeting her. She hadn’t seen me for a couple years, so it took her a second to place me.)

Her: “Oh! Hi! … Wow, [My Name], you porked out.”

(It’s only about 7 AM. I’ve been up since 4 AM. I figure that I COULDN’T have heard that right.)

Me: “… Thank you?”

Her: “Oh, don’t worry about it. I gained weight after I got married, too.”

Me: “Okay. So, no, I hadn’t misheard what you said.”

Mom: “Well, we should go get some more bargains! See you! Bye!”