Can’t Have A Rose Without Thorns

| Curacao, Netherlands Antilles | Holidays, LGBTQ, Love/Romance, Top

(It’s Valentine’s Day, and our school has given students the opportunity to buy each other roses. Friend #1, who is a lesbian, has received five roses, even though she didn’t expect any.)

Friend #1: “I’m so overwhelmed; I didn’t expect to get anything!”

Friend #2: “I can see you’re happy. You can’t even think straight today.”

Me: “She can never think straight.”

Friend #1: *very deadpan* “I have five roses with very sharp thorns. I will cut you.”

Unfashionable Comments

| Oslo, Norway | Bad Behavior, Ignoring/Inattentive

(I have just bought a new long jacket and wear it to school, as proud as a teenage girl can be.)

Friend: “Hey, is that a new jacket?”

Me: *grinning proudly* “Yeah. Got it yesterday.”

Friend: “Hmm… Well, it’s not quite you is it?”

Me: “Huh? Why not?”

Friend: “It’s so nice!”

Me: “…”

Shuffling And Trotting To The End

| USA | Bizarre/Silly, Spouses & Partners, Strangers, Top

(I volunteer at a nonprofit organization, calling other volunteers we have not heard from recently.)

Volunteer’s Husband: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello! My name is [My Name] and I am a volunteer with [Nonprofit]. I am looking for [Volunteer]. Is she available?”

Volunteer’s Husband: “You’re looking for [Volunteer]?”

Me: “Yes, sir!”

Volunteer’s Husband: “Well, I found her many years ago, and I have kept her ever since. I intend on keeping her, but I suppose if you’re willing to wait a minute and a half, or maybe less, she’ll shuffle in and I can give her the phone, and you’ll have found her… Ah! Here she comes, walkin’ in… Not trotting, mind you, but she’s still fully capable of doing that, if you were wondering… And, since you’ve waited so patiently, I suppose I’ll give the phone over to her and she can say hello. [Volunteer], say hello to the girl!”

(After which he handed the phone to his wife and I was able to speak to her. Thank you, sir, for making my day with your wonderful way of answering the phone!)

They’ve Been ‘It’ For Over Twenty Years

| Tallahassee, FL, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Games

(My wife and I are walking out of a grocery/department store, when I see a stranger looking at me intently.)

Stranger: *taps my arm* “You’re it!” *scoots away*

My Wife: *chuckling* “Did that just really happen?”

Me: “Yes, it did!”

(I turn to someone else leaving and tap his arm.)

Me: “Now YOU are it!” *scoot away*

Bigotry Has It’s Uses

| IL, USA | Best Friends, Bigotry, Movies & TV, Top

(I am at the movie theater with my best friend of 12 years. We are both girls. We usually like to sit in the back row but as usual it’s quite filled. We enlist the help of our usual plan to clear out the back row.)

Me: “[Best Friend], why do we always sit in the back at movies?”

Best Friend: “Don’t you remember, [My Name]? It’s so we can make out.” *puts her arm around my shoulder*

(Most of the older adults in the row clear out, leaving only a few teenagers and way more than enough seats for us to sit next to each other.)

Me: “It’s actually pretty sad that saying something like that can clear out an entire row.”

Best Friend: “Yeah, the adults here are pretty closed minded, but, hey, we have the back row mostly to ourselves now!”