Not Enough Blood To The Brain

| Kansas City, OK, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Language & Words

(I am in medical school and am excited to be going out with the phlebotomy team the next day. We get up early and go around to each of the patients in the hospital that needs blood drawn then send the blood off to the lab. It is a great way to improve our blood drawing skills. I tell a close friend about the phlebotomy team and she becomes very upset.)

Friend: *screaming* “That’s awful! How can you do that? I didn’t think that was still legal! I can’t believe you would do that to your patients!”

(It took me a while to figure out that she thought I was going out with the ‘lobotomy’ team.)

The True Price Of Friendship

| CA, USA | Food & Drink, Liars/Scammers, Money

(When I was in high school I used to drive my best friend home since we lived right next to each other. However, I would buy us lunch almost every time since I had a job and he did not. I didn’t mind it since his family was a little low on funds and I had extra money from not paying rent. Fast forward four years when his family invites me over for Christmas Day dinner.)

Friend’s Mom: “I can remember back when you two were in high school.”

Me: “I don’t miss high school and I especially don’t miss buying four burgers for this idiot.”

Friend’s Mom: “What are you talking about? I gave him $20 every day so he could get you food since you were driving.”

Me: “… I never got it.”

(I look over at my friend in disbelief.)

Friend: “Friendship!”

(And, yes, we are still best friends.)

Cooking Up Some Good Ideas

| USA | Food & Drink, Holidays

(My friend lives across the country from me. Every year I send him both Christmas and birthday presents. He usually gets mad at me as soon as he gets them. This year, because I got sick right before Christmas, I sent him his gift late. A few days after the ‘expected’ arrival date I text him.)

Me: “Did you get a box from me?”

Friend: “No… Why would I get a box from you?”

Me: “I sent a box last week. It was supposed to get to you on Tuesday.”

Friend: “Oh… No…”

Me: “Hmm.”

Friend: “Why are you sending me stuff, anyway?”

Me: “I didn’t send a Christmas present this year and you seem to want to try the Amish friendship bread.”

Friend: “Oh, ok… Thank you.”

Me: “Why are you thanking me? You didn’t get it.”

Friend: “It’s the thought that counts.”

Me: “Not when it comes to food. Have you ever tried eating thoughts?”

Friend: “Jerk.”

Amazed They Passed The Bar

| Hobart, TAS, Australia | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(We are at a bar getting drinks, and it’s my round. We like to mix things up a bit with what we have.)

Me: “Hi. I would like to get two vodka, lemon, lime, and bitters please.”

Friend: “Do they have alcohol in them?”

Me: “Does a vodka, lemon, lime, and bitters have alcohol in it?”

Friend: “Yeah, because that’s what I always order when I have to drive as I didn’t think it was alcoholic.”

Me: “Let me get this straight. You order a drink with VODKA in the title and you think it doesn’t have alcohol in it?”

Friend: “Yeah…”

(The worst part is she is now a practicing lawyer.)

Not Quite The Breakfast Of Champions

| Wales, UK | Food & Drink, Roommates

(I wake up for a night out and find my bed COVERED in kebab remnants. Since I hate kebab I wake up my friend, who is crashed out on my floor, to work out how this happened.)

Me: “Dude! Why am I covered in kebab?”

Friend: *hungover* “Whaaa?”

Me: “Why. Am. I. Wearing. Your. Kebab?”

Friend: “Well I put it between you and the radiator so it would still be warm when I woke up hungry. Didn’t guess you’d be such a restless sleeper.”

(I am contemplating what is most gross about this, out of my friend thinking far enough ahead to try to keep his food warm, or the fact he could eat kebab for breakfast, or the fact I ended up sleeping in said kebab. I start picking the bits of kebab off of me and lean over to reach for the wastepaper basket.)

Friend: “No! STOP! [My Name], what are you doing?!”

Me: “I’m just cleaning mys—”

Friend: “NO!”

(My friend grabs all the bits of kebab-pyjama I’ve gathered back into the wrapper and starts to eat them.)

Me: “I have no words right now.”