Your Quip Has No Leg To Stand On

| AZ, USA | Health & Body

(My mother-in-law was talking about a man who by doctors’ opinions should have been dead twenty years earlier.)

Mother-In-Law: “His doctors said he wouldn’t live to see his children, but now he has grandkids. It’s amazing!”

Me: “Yeah, he should be dead but he’s still kickin'”

Mother-In-Law: “Well… not really.”

Husband: “Yeah, he doesn’t have any legs.”

(I burst out laughing from my choice of words.)

Me: “Well then, he’s still punching!”

Shall We Take This Into… The Kitchen?

| Lancaster, PA, USA | Funny Names, Language & Words, LGBTQ

(I’m driving in the car with my friend. Our current topic of conversation is sexuality. It should be noted that my friend is gay.)

Friend: “So [Coworker] told me the other day that he’s pansexual.”

Me: “Oh, yeah? Cool. I didn’t know that.”

Friend: “Yeah. I’d actually never heard of that before.”

Me: “Really?”

Friend: “Yeah. So I didn’t know what he meant at first. I was like, does that mean you’re into pans or something?”

(We both shared a laugh at that. Ignorance can sometimes be very amusing.)

Take The Exit At Santa’s House

| Philadelphia, PA, USA | Geography, Transportation

(We were driving back to NY from a conference in Philadelphia. I’m the driver.)

Me: “Oh, no! We got on the highway going north when we need to be going south.”

Friend: “Well, if we go north long enough we’ll eventually go south.”

Me: “Yeah, when we reach the North Pole. Remind me never to let you navigate.”

Your Way Of Thinking Has Come To The End Of The Road

| PA, USA | Transportation

(I’m giving my friend directions as he drives me home.)

Me: “Go all the way to the end of this road, then turn left.”

(We reach the end of the road.)

Me: “Okay, turn left at the light.”

Friend: “Wait, this is the end of the road?”

Me: “Unless you think the house directly in front of us in in desperate need of a new driveway, then yes, it’s the end of the road.”

Friend: “Oh… Right. Duh.”

Can’t Mask Your Embarrassment

| IN, USA | Awesome, Popular, Roommates

(My roommate and I are out shopping. We pull into the parking lot of a thrift store close to closing.)

Roommate: “All right, we’ve got twenty minutes to rob this place. I’ll take the front door, you take the back. Fake guns are in the trunk. And, go!”

Me: *playing along* “Do you have the ski masks back there, too?”

Roommate: “D*** it! I forgot the ski masks!”

Me: “Crap! How could you forget? Well, this was a wash. I guess we’ll have to try again next time…”

Roommate: “Wait! It’s a thrift store; they probably have some inside we can grab!”

Me: *laughing* “Not sure that would work; they’d have already seen our faces.”

(We go inside and start looking around. Roommate grabs something off a shelf and shows it to me.)

Roommate: “They don’t have any ski masks, but we could use this!”

Me: “I think I’d be too embarrassed to rob a store if I had to wear that…”

(It was a Ninja Turtle mask.)

Page 1/2412345...Last