Can’t Mask Your Embarrassment

| IN, USA | Awesome, Popular, Roommates

(My roommate and I are out shopping. We pull into the parking lot of a thrift store close to closing.)

Roommate: “All right, we’ve got twenty minutes to rob this place. I’ll take the front door, you take the back. Fake guns are in the trunk. And, go!”

Me: *playing along* “Do you have the ski masks back there, too?”

Roommate: “D*** it! I forgot the ski masks!”

Me: “Crap! How could you forget? Well, this was a wash. I guess we’ll have to try again next time…”

Roommate: “Wait! It’s a thrift store; they probably have some inside we can grab!”

Me: *laughing* “Not sure that would work; they’d have already seen our faces.”

(We go inside and start looking around. Roommate grabs something off a shelf and shows it to me.)

Roommate: “They don’t have any ski masks, but we could use this!”

Me: “I think I’d be too embarrassed to rob a store if I had to wear that…”

(It was a Ninja Turtle mask.)

Just Keep Drinking…

| Burnaby, BC, Canada | Movies & TV, Popular

(My friend and I are waiting in the incredibly long line back to town from our university campus. This happens as we are chatting. My friend has recently downsized from a house to a small condo, and I’ve had a specific housewarming gift in mind for her for well over a month now, but I have yet to actually buy it.)

Friend: *singing under her breath* “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…”

Me: “Oh, that reminds me, I wanted to get you a housewarming present.”

Friend: “Don’t! Do you have any idea how much stuff we had to get rid of to fit in the new place? I had to give away a whole shelf of mugs—”

Me: *interrupting* “Can I get you a mug with a picture of Dory and ‘just keep swimming’ on it?”

Friend: “Oh, my god, yes!”

Free-Wayyyy Too Far

| Austria | Popular, Transportation, Travel

(I and two friends of mine are taking a trip to Croatia by car. One of my friends has already been in the city we are heading to a few times with her dad, so she gives my other friend directions.)

Friend #1: “Okay, and then you go along the freeway until it ends and turns into a normal country road.”

(We are driving hours and hours and no end is in sight. When we finally reach the end of the freeway, we notice that it is under construction and turns right just before the road works.)

Friend #1: “I don’t recognize the surroundings. That’s strange, because when I went to [Town] with my dad he would always drive till the end of the freeway.”

Friend #2: “Are you sure? Because you said it was going to be a six-hour drive and we have been driving non-stop for nine hours and [Town] is nowhere in sight.”

Me: “Um, [Friend #1], are you sure that we didn’t drive too far? Because it seems to me that since the last time you visited [Town] with your dad, the road construction might have gone a little further, and where the end of the road was two years ago doesn’t necessarily have to be the end of the road NOW.”

Friend #1: *looking shocked as it suddenly hits her*

Friend #2: “Oh, come on, [Friend #1]. Don’t tell me that the last three hours of driving were completely in vain!”

Will Stop At Nothing

| OK, USA | Popular, Strangers, Transportation

(My town is laid out as a grid. The “main” roads are each a mile apart and the businesses and neighborhoods are tucked in the square mile sections in between. To dodge traffic, folks sometimes try to drive through neighborhoods since they’ll come out at the same place anyway. To discourage this, the town has set up stop signs every other block in each direction. A few intersections have four-way stops but most have two-way. I get to a two-way stop where I have no sign and proceed to turn left. A car to my right barrels through their sign and almost hits me. I lay on the horn and proceed through the turn. The other car has to slam on the brakes. I make another turn down the road, also with no sign and then get to an intersection where I have to stop. The car that had to screech to a halt pulls up behind me, honking. I hit the door lock and roll the window up all but an inch. The driver, a lady younger than me, jumps out of the car and storms up to my car. She actually grabs the door handle.)

Other Driver: “Get out of the car, b****!”

Me: “Nope.”

Other Driver: “Get out of the car! You nearly killed my kids!”

Me: “You nearly killed your own kids. You drove right through a stop sign.”

Other Driver: “You had to stop there!”

Me: “No. I did not. I had no sign. You did. Even if I had a sign, you would still have had to stop as we would have both had signs. You blew through the stop sign and nearly hit me, almost killing my kids. I notice none of your kids are seat belted in. You clearly don’t care about your own kids. Oh, and a cop just pulled up behind you. Have a nice day.”

(I drove off to the fire station on the next block just in case she continued to follow. I don’t know if the cops noticed her kids were not buckled in but, since they were standing in the back seat, I don’t know how they could miss it.)

This Is All On U

| Rockville, MD, USA | Transportation, Travel

(A friend is driving me home, having first dropped another friend off at the Metro station, to which I live VERY close. First, she turns the wrong way exiting the station and has to make a U-turn. Then, maybe one minute later, she misses the turn into my apartment complex. This time turning around requires getting almost back onto the highway.)

Me: “We’re going to end up in Delaware, aren’t we? We’re going to keep trying to get me home, and we’re going to go a little further each time, and we’re going to end up in Delaware.”

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