Coining A New Phrase

| Poolesville, MD, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Gatherings, Money

(I’m an avid coin collector and I tend to get fairly twitchy when I see a large pile of coins, not because I’m a hoarder, but because I want to sort through them. On this day, a friend of a friend has brought in a small box of pennies.)

Friend Of Friend: *pulls out box of pennies*

Me: *starts getting twitchy*

Friend: “[My Name], CALM YOUR COIN COLLECTOR!”

Sounds Like They’re On “Everything”

| USA | Health & Body

(My friend talks very softly while I have trouble hearing at times. I also tend to have trouble finding words or phrases (e.g. “Are you… food wanting?”), so together we tend to have a lot of “What? Oh, I thought you said THIS!” moments. We get off track easily, too. This is one of the train wreck conversations we had.)

Me: “You know those days when your body seems to be working against you?”

Friend: “No…?”

Me: “This is supposed to be the part where you agree and sympathize with me.”

Friend: “I haven’t really experienced that, though, so… Is it your back or your head or your everything?”

Me: “My everything.”

Friend: “We’ll need to perform an everything-ectomy.”

Me: “A what?”

Friend: “An everything-ectomy.”

Me: “Oh, at first I thought you said ‘an everything eczema,’ but that didn’t make sense, so then I thought you said ‘an everything enema,’ which made slightly more sense, but ‘an everything-ectomy’ ACTUALLY makes sense!”

Friend: “An everything enema?! Man, that would hurt!”

Me: “You’d basically have to turn inside out, because all of your organs are connected.”

Friend: “Oh, I was thinking everything in a cosmic or philosophical sense.”

Me: “Ooh, yeah, that’s even worse.”

Friend: “Of all the weird, horrific medical experiments I’ve thought of, this is one I don’t want to try.”

Me: “Good idea.”

If You Have A Sudden Urge To Defeat The Huns, Please Consult Your Doctor

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Health & Body, LGBTQ, Movies & TV, Musical Mayhem

(My friend is transgender FTM and both of us are huge Disney nerds. I have a habit of making weird connections and having odd ideas.)

Me: *randomly gets excited* “I HAVE AN EXCELLENT IDEA!”

Friend: “This can’t be good.”

Me: “When you go in for your top or bottom or both surgery, we MUST play ‘I’ll Make a Man Out of You.’”

Friend: “I actually love that idea.”

Painful Punful

| USA | Movies & TV, Pun

(I enjoy tea and frequently bring some with me to school in an insulated water bottle. On one occasion, I heat the water to boiling before pouring it into my bottle. On the bus, I don’t realize that the lid to my bottle isn’t all the way on. When I set my backpack beside me, some spills out, soaking into my sweatpants and pressing boiling water against my skin, causing a small burn on my thigh. When I get to school, I tell my friend about it. Note that I am a huge Sherlock fan while she hasn’t seen it.)

Me: “I just realized.”

Friend: “What?”

Me: “You know Moriarty from Sherlock?”

Friend: “Not… really?”

(I pull up a picture of him with his signature quote, “I will BURN you! I will burn the HEART out of you!”)

Friend: “So?”

Me: “You know the burn on my thigh?”

Friend: “Yeah?”

Me: “I MADE MORIAR-TEA!”

Friend: “Get a Tumblr account! That’s perfect!”

It’s Right Behind Diagon Alley

| IN, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Pranks

(We are in class one day and I overhear this exchange take place. Note that our school has a giant statue of our mascot in the common area.)

Classmate #1: “I was hanging around the hallway next to the statue this morning—”

Classmate #2: “Wait, what hallway?”

(There is no hallway there.)

Classmate #1: “What? You’ve never seen it? It’s right behind the statue.”

Classmate #2: “No…”

Classmate #1: “You just go—” *gives complicated instructions*

Classmate #2: “I feel like you’re lying.”

Me: *joins in* “You haven’t seen it yet? It’s kind of hidden; you won’t see it unless you want to.”

Classmate #2: “All right… I still feel like you two are lying.”

(She then proceeded to walk down to where we told her to go. As soon as the door closed, we were laughing our heads off. This just shows you how nice it is to have gullible friends.)

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