No But If He Did He’d Start With You

| Germany | Extra Stupid, Popular, Religion

(An ethnologist has just released a documentary on an Afro-American religion often thought to be “black magic,” which premiers in a small local cinema. The documentary aims to debunk some of the worst stereotypes about the religion, and the ethnologist has invited an African-American priest who has agreed to answer the audience’s questions afterwards. Some of those are interesting, some show that the asker clearly hadn’t paid attention to the movie, but the priest still replies politely. Then comes this gem, though…)

Asker: “Do you sacrifice humans?”

Priest: *after short silence, baffled* “What a stupid question.”

Wish You Could Literally Throw The Book At Them

| USA | Bad Behavior, Books & Reading, Movies & TV, Popular, Strangers

(I’m a Hunger Games fan and am excited to watch ‘Mockingjay Part 2.’ However, my experience is being ruined by the woman next to me, who is texting on her phone with the brightness all the way up. I can’t move as the seats are assigned and the theater is nearly full. After twenty minutes of this, I decide to confront her.)

Me: “Excuse me, could you please put your phone away?”

Woman: “I can do what I want. I’m a true fan, not just some kid trying to fit in with the crowd.”

Me: *whispering* “I just want to enjoy the movie.”

Woman: “Oh, please, I bet you haven’t even seen the other movies. I’m a true fan, so it’s okay if I’m on my phone.”

Me: *still watching while whispering* “Actually, I’ve seen all the movies and read all the books.”

Woman: “Shows what you know! There are no books!”

(She resumes texting throughout the entire movie. I don’t want to leave my seat and find an usher because I don’t want to miss any more of the movie. I’m surprised I was the only one who even said anything to her!)

Acting And Dressing Childish

| UK | Health & Body, Popular

(I’m at the cinema to watch an animated kid’s movie with my friends. We are all over 25. One of my friends is absolutely tiny, not even five foot tall.)

Friend #1: “Oh, we’re the oldest here without any kids.”

Me: “Awkward…”

Tiny Friend: “My panties are age 10, my shorts age 11, and my shirt age 13. I count as a child.”

Tiny Friend’s Boyfriend: “Age 13 shirt? I thought you’re normally an 11?”

Tiny Friend: “I at least want to pretend I have boobs…”

Witch Answer Will You Choose

| Lubbock, TX, USA | Movies & TV, Popular, Strangers

(We’re in the theater, watching the previews for a movie having to do with witches. The previews at this theater for this movie are old movies and documentaries about witches. This particular bit comes up when the narrator is talking about naked forest meetings. Note that I am a stranger to the two mentioned.)

Narrator: “The witches commune with their dark master by dancing naked in the woods with demons and other foul creatures.”

Girl Two Seats Over: “Heathens.”

Me: “Hot.”

Girl’s Date: *just starts laughing at us*

Can’t Be Adults About It

| Ashford, England, UK | Movies & TV, Rude & Risque

(Some university friends and I are going to see “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” We are in our early-twenties.)

Friend: “I can’t remember the last children’s film I saw at the cinema!”

Me: “Oh? What was the last adult film you saw?”

(It took me a few seconds to realise why everyone was laughing so hard!)