Almost At That Sixth Degree Of Separation

| NY, USA | Gatherings

(A friend of mine has graduated college, and we’re having a party for her. I haven’t met a lot of the people there. Some of them ask me how I know her, and I just say I’m her friend. This is why:)

Person: “Hi, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m [Name].”

Me: “I’m [My Name]. Nice to meet you!”

Person: “Where do you know [Friend] from?”

Me: “Oh, we’re just friends. I’ve known her for a couple of years.”

Person: “No, but WHERE do you know her from? Are you a classmate?”

Me: *laughs* “No, it’s a little complicated.”

Person: “Well, now I have to know.”

Me: “Okay… she’s my boyfriend’s youngest brother’s boyfriend’s sister.”

Person: “…what?”

Me: “I told you it was kind of complicated!”

Unsocial Worker

| MO, USA | Coworkers, Family & Kids, Popular

(I’m with my husband at his work holiday party, trying to chat with people I have never met before. This is not a strong suit of mine. Talking with one coworker’s wife, this conversation occurs)

Me: “What is your daughter studying?”

Coworker’s Wife: *sigh* “Teaching English!”

Me: “Oh, cool. Why the eye roll?”

Coworker’s Wife: “I’m a social worker, for God’s sake. I wanted her to DO something with her life! Make some MONEY!”

Me: “…”

That Comes With A Slightly Heavier Fine

| Vienna, Austria | Gatherings, Popular, Rude & Risque

(I’m at a party, mostly attended by parents. It’s late, many guests are drunk, and jokes have become a bit raunchy accordingly.)

Host: “Come on, behave! From now on, whenever someone has a dirty thought, they have to pay one Euro. If they need to voice anything dirty, it’s ten. We’ll be able to build a house with all that money!”

Guest #1: “Define dirty. My views might not be the same as yours.”

Guest #2: “Right! If I think of children playing in mud, does that count as dirty?”

Guest #3: “Hopefully not.”

It’s Like You Mead My Mind

| Bloomfield, NJ, USA | Backhanded Compliments, Holidays, Popular

(I’m at a friend’s house for their New Year’s party. I’m pretty broke, but I felt I should have Christmas present for everyone, so I’ve brought along a dozen bottles of homebrewed mead and apfelwein.)

Me: “Okay, everyone. I went with the cheapskate present route this year. Pick a bottle and that’s your present. They’re labelled; take whatever you want. Except you, [Friend].”

Friend: “Why?”

Me: “I’ve got a specific one for you.”

(I pull out a bottle of one of my more experimental brews.)

Me: “This is for you, because it’s as black as your soul and drinking it can leave a bad taste in your mouth.”

(Everyone else starts laughing.)

Friend: “You know me so well. Thanks.”

To Be Fair It Would Be A Pretty Bad Pet

| GA, USA | Games, Pets & Animals, Popular

(It is the New Year’s party at my friend’s house and we are all spending the night. We decided to play this game where you have seven seconds to complete a task.)

Me: “You have seven seconds to name five animals that would be bad pets… GO.”

Friend: “Okay… a Chihuahua… a… a… pumpkin!”

All Of Our Friends: “A PUMPKIN?!” *bursts out into laughter*

(We still haven’t let her live down this moment.)

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