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That Comes With A Slightly Heavier Fine

| Vienna, Austria | Gatherings, Rude & Risque

(I’m at a party, mostly attended by parents. It’s late, many guests are drunk, and jokes have become a bit raunchy accordingly.)

Host: “Come on, behave! From now on, whenever someone has a dirty thought, they have to pay one Euro. If they need to voice anything dirty, it’s ten. We’ll be able to build a house with all that money!”

Guest #1: “Define dirty. My views might not be the same as yours.”

Guest #2: “Right! If I think of children playing in mud, does that count as dirty?”

Guest #3: “Hopefully not.”

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It’s Like You Mead My Mind

| Bloomfield, NJ, USA | Backhanded Compliments, Holidays, Popular

(I’m at a friend’s house for their New Year’s party. I’m pretty broke, but I felt I should have Christmas present for everyone, so I’ve brought along a dozen bottles of homebrewed mead and apfelwein.)

Me: “Okay, everyone. I went with the cheapskate present route this year. Pick a bottle and that’s your present. They’re labelled; take whatever you want. Except you, [Friend].”

Friend: “Why?”

Me: “I’ve got a specific one for you.”

(I pull out a bottle of one of my more experimental brews.)

Me: “This is for you, because it’s as black as your soul and drinking it can leave a bad taste in your mouth.”

(Everyone else starts laughing.)

Friend: “You know me so well. Thanks.”

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To Be Fair It Would Be A Pretty Bad Pet

| GA, USA | Games, Pets & Animals, Popular

(It is the New Year’s party at my friend’s house and we are all spending the night. We decided to play this game where you have seven seconds to complete a task.)

Me: “You have seven seconds to name five animals that would be bad pets… GO.”

Friend: “Okay… a Chihuahua… a… a… pumpkin!”

All Of Our Friends: “A PUMPKIN?!” *bursts out into laughter*

(We still haven’t let her live down this moment.)

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Party To Different Standards

, | Canada | Gatherings

(There’s a small group of us left at the end of a house party. Note that Friend #1 is female while Friend #2 is male. The owner of the house went to bed a while ago.)

Friend #1: “Hey, is there a lot left to clean up before we go?”

Friend #2: “That depends. Are you asking as a woman, or as a bachelor?”

(The rest of us crack up.)

Friend #1: “As a woman, I guess?”

Friend #2: “Then, yes, there’s a lot.”

(We crack up again, and head over to help put stuff away. There wasn’t that much.)

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Quash That Squash

, | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Bizarre/Silly, Food & Drink

(We’re throwing an outdoor party at our house. At one point, my mom, my friend, and I end up sitting on a raised planter box since seating is a little tight. My friend starts looking at the plants behind him.)

Friend: “What kind of plant am I sitting on?”

Me: “I think it’s squash. Mom, is that squash?”

Mom: “Yep, it’s squash.”

Friend: “Well, it’s definitely squished now.”

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