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Skin-Deep Gay

| Fairbanks, AK, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Language & Words

(I’m sitting watching TV in my pizza place, waiting to start work when a guy pops in and watches TV as a skincare commercial pops up. It should be noted the guy looks to be in his thirties and I’m a sarcastic person.)

Guy: “Girls are so gay.”

Me: “So they’re lesbians.”

Guy: “No, I mean they’re just so gay.”

Me: “So they’re happy.”

Guy: “Yeah, man. They gotta make sure their skin is all perfect.” *starts doing a valley girl imitation and leaves the store”

Me: “What just happened?”

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A Non-Working Lunch

| NY, USA | Awesome, Popular, Strangers

(I’m picking up a pizza at a local pizzeria for my workmates. I’m wearing a polo with my company’s logo on it, and sitting at one of the tables waiting for my food. I’m kind of out of it because the morning’s work was labor intensive, so I’m staring idly at the drink cooler. An older gentleman walks in smiling, he greets me, and walks up to the counter behind me to look at a menu.)

Customer: “You know, I think I’ll get a meatball sandwich.” *he’s clearly talking to me since the owner has gone to the back to get my food*

(The customer seems very nice, and is obviously waiting for a reply.)

Me: “Oh, okay. The food’s good here, right?”

Customer: “Yep! I love it!”

(There’s a bit of a pause.)

Customer: “Do you have time to make it now?”

(It dawns on me he thinks I work here.)

Me: “Oh! I’m sorry. I don’t work here. I’m just waiting for my lunch.”

Customer: “Oh! Sorry! I thought you were watching TV.”

(I notice there’s a monitor above the drink cooler.)

Me: “Nope! Just watching the drinks cool.”

(He gives me a confused look, which I understand because my joke wasn’t that funny. Another minute goes by.)

Customer: “I know it’s your lunch break, but would you mind finding someone else to take my order? I’m sorry to bother you.”

(I wonder if he didn’t hear me the first time, but he’s so nice I don’t want to make him feel bad.)

Me: “I don’t think they would like me to go behind the counter since I don’t work here. I work for [Company], and I’m just picking up lunch. Hopefully the owner will be back in a second to take your order.”

Customer: “No problem! Sorry about that!”

Me: “No worries.”

(After another moment the owner comes back. He takes the man’s order and chats with him as another worker makes the sandwich. The customer then turns to point at me.)

Customer: “Let me just say you have just a nice employee! This girl is so kind and polite, and was very patient with me!”

Owner: “Oh, she doesn’t work for me. She’s a customer just like you.”

(The other worker hands me my food and I can see light finally dawning on the older gentleman.)

Customer: “I’m so very sorry!”

Me: “What are you apologizing for? You were complimenting me. It was nice meeting you!”

(We shook hands and I left with my food, in a better mood than when I came.)

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They’re A Household Name

| CO, USA | Food & Drink, Funny Names, Popular

(We live in a small town and every Tuesday our local pizza place has a special on calzones, so we always get our usual. One girl taking phone orders always remembers our names. She also knows the sound of our truck as it pulls up to the restaurant. This time our neighbor asks us to pick up his order as well. This happens as we pick up our order.)

Girl: “Oh, my gosh, you won’t believe this!”

Me: “What? What is it?”

Girl: “I had never known anyone with your name before because it’s so different and guess what? Someone else has your name in our small town! And they ordered a pizza tonight, of all nights! Isn’t that so weird?!”

Me: “Actually that’s our neighbor. He put it under our name so we could pick it up.”

Girl: “Oh.” *slightly sad* “Well that was fun while it lasted. And FYI I didn’t write your name on that box, just this one.” *all smiles again*

(She shows one box with the correct spelling of our name, the one she wrote, and then one that doesn’t even come close, that someone else did.)

Me: “Thank you. We’ll let you know if anyone else does in fact have the same name as us in the future.”

A Hot Slice Of Education

| NJ, USA | Food & Drink, Schoolmates

(I am calling to order pizza from my family’s go-to pizza place. Even though we are regulars and order from this place every Friday, not everyone knows us because it is one of the more popular pizza places.)

Me: “Hi, I’d like to order a large half pepperoni, half extra cheese, for delivery.”

Employee: “That will be [Price] and it will take about 45 minutes. And what’s the address on that?”

Me: “It’s [number, Street, and Town], New Jersey.”

Employee: “Well it better be in New Jersey because I’m pretty sure if it was in Massachusetts we wouldn’t deliver.”

Me: “D***, I guess you won’t be delivering to me in college.”

Employee: “Definitely not. Boston is too far.”

Me: “How’d you know I was going to school in Boston?”

Employee: “[My Name], I’ve known you since we were eight. You told me two weeks ago where you were going to college.”

Me: “Oh, I wasn’t aware you realized who this was. Well, this is awkward. Have a good night.”

(We laughed about it in school for a few weeks!)

The Salary Is Soda-pressing

| USA | Crazy Requests, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

(I am babysitting a little girl overnight. The mother is paying me a lot less than what I normally charge for babysitting, but I take the job because I have bills to pay and my job teaching preschool pays badly. In this story, the mother has left us $5 to get a ready-made pizza from a chain that advertises $5 pizzas. When we arrive at the chain, which is situated in a discount store, we are told that they are currently out of the ready-made pizzas, and it will be a ten-minute wait. This is acceptable, so we sit at a booth. The pizza chain has a soda fountain which clearly offers free refills, as the employees of the discount store keep coming up to refill their pre-purchased cups. My charge has been eyeing the fountain.)

Kid: “I’m thirsty.”

Me: “If you go up to the pizza counter and ask nicely, they’ll probably give you a cup for water.”

Kid: “I don’t want water. I want a soda.”

Me: “Unfortunately, your mother didn’t leave us any money for that. Just the pizza, but you’re more than welcome to get that water. Or our pizza will be done in just a few minutes. I think there’s juice at home, if you want to wait until we get our pizza and head back.”

Kid: “No! I don’t want juice! I don’t want water! I want a soda!”

Me: “Your mom didn’t leave us money for soda, [Kid]. She only left us enough for the pizza.”

Kid: “Then you buy it with your money.”

Me: “I don’t have any money for soda. I only have what your mom left us for pizza.”

Kid: “What? How can you not have money? Didn’t you just get paid?”

(I think I stared at her open-mouthed for a full thirty seconds before replying that no, I had not just gotten paid. I have no idea where she got that idea, but while it was the first time a babysitting charge had demanded that I use my own money to buy them something frivolous, it was certainly not the last. It was, however, the last time I sat for her.)

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