They Found Nemo… Delicious

| USA | Pets & Animals

Me: “I really need to stay away from the pet section at [Well Known Retail Store]. Walked past the fish tank and half of them were dead and the ones that were alive were eating the dead ones.”

Friend: “Sound like my kind of fish.”

In Keeping With Your Character

| Tokyo, Japan | Games, Geeks Rule, Popular

(I used to have a character in a now-defunct superhero MMO who wore a school uniform to fight crime because of lack of money and ability to shape-change to maintain secret ID. This character was popular with one of my friends.)

Friend: “Hey, why don’t you make a sexy version of [Character]’s costume?”

Me: “Because it’s not something that she’d do.”

Friend: “Come on, it will be great. They just released mini-skirts and midriff baring shirts. Go for it.”

Me: “I have some characters that might dress that way, but [Character] doesn’t really think about looking sexy. That’s part of the joke of having her built like she is and talk like a Valley girl.”

Friend: “Well, just think about it, okay?”

(Later on, I was designing a new outfit for the character and, on a whim, decided to go ahead and add the mini-skirt and too-tiny shirt as requested by my friend.)

Me: “So, I gave her a sexy-style school uniform.”

Friend: “Finally! Can you send me a screen-shot?”

Me: “Sure.” *sends screenshot*

Friend: “Is she wearing chain-mail under the school uniform?”

Me: “Plate and chain, I think, but yeah. I figure I’ll use that costume for when she’s fighting something really nasty.”

Friend: “So she’s still not showing any skin?”

Me: “Nope. I told you, she does everything for practical reasons. I’m thinking that the school uniform is only there because after so long acting in it public perception ties it to her and that means a lot of her magic is tied up in wearing a school uniform.”

Friend: “You just trolled me, didn’t you?”

Me: “Oh, yeah, but hey, gave me a new idea to develop the character.”

History Is Ganging Up On You

| PA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, History, Popular

(In the 1800s, a secret society called the Molly Maguires was very active in our state, so even though nothing ever happened in our town, they are considered local history. One of my high school teachers is somewhat of an expert on them, so he comes in to talk to our AP U.S. History class about them. Unfortunately, I am sick that day and miss his presentation. My friend and I are texting each other a few days later.)

Me: “I just finished my DBQ,” *document-based question, an assignment from AP U.S. History* “so I’m finally done with everything that I missed while I was out.”

Friend: “That’s good! You did miss the Molly Maguires lecture Mr. [Teacher] gave, though.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s was disappointing. I was kind of looking forward to that. Was it good?”

Friend: “Yeah, it was. He really knew what he was talking about.”

Me: “That sounds cool. The fact that it’s local history makes it much more relatable, too.”

Friend: “I still can’t picture it as being local.”

Me: “Weird to think that all that stuff happened a few hours away.”

Friend: “Why didn’t anything happen in [Our Small, Rural Town] though? It’s been around for centuries, so how come there’s not much history?”

(Pause.)

Friend: “I just realized I’m basically complaining about the lack of historical gang violence.”

Best Not To Go Back For Seconds

| USA | Popular, Rude & Risque

Friend #1: “I hate having to eat out by myself.”

Friend #2: “I’m sorry. It’s not that bad.”

Friend #3: “Sorry. Next time, give me a call. I’ll join you.”

Me: “I… um… totally read this wrong.”

Didn’t Bless You With The Gift Of Knowledge

| USA | Bad Behavior, Popular

(I’m chatting with a friend via a social media IM.)

Me: “Huh, your birthday gift got returned to me. I wonder why?”

Friend: “Oh, I forgot to tell you I moved.”

Me: “Well, that would do it. Where’d you move to?”

Friend: “I moved in with my boyfriend three months ago.”

Me: “What boyfriend?!”

Friend: “The guy I met in school last year.”

Me: “Wait, you’re in school?”

Friend: “Yeah. I didn’t want to announce it to everyone so I just kept it quiet.”

Me: “Wait, okay, hang on. I’m actually a little hurt because I’ve specifically asked you SEVERAL TIMES what you’re doing, what’s new, what’s going on. And you never mentioned any of this.”

Friend: “I wasn’t comfortable telling everyone.”

Me: “Well, okay, but you could have at least told me your new address when I told you I was about to mail your gift out.”

Friend: “I just didn’t want to tell everyone!”

Me: “Well… okay, then. Guess I’m keeping your gift!”

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