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You’re Brain-Tied

| Seattle, WA, USA | Health & Body

(I’m literally tongue-tied, meaning the muscle under my tongue connects to the tip of my tongue and I cannot get it out of my mouth properly. The conversation has fixated on them wanting to see me eat an ice cream cone.)

Friend: “I’ll just be sitting there watching, eating my sundae— WAIT, CAN YOU USE SPOONS?”

Me: “Uh…”

Friend #2: “Did you just ask if she could use a spoon?”

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Skin-Deep Gay

| Fairbanks, AK, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Language & Words

(I’m sitting watching TV in my pizza place, waiting to start work when a guy pops in and watches TV as a skincare commercial pops up. It should be noted the guy looks to be in his thirties and I’m a sarcastic person.)

Guy: “Girls are so gay.”

Me: “So they’re lesbians.”

Guy: “No, I mean they’re just so gay.”

Me: “So they’re happy.”

Guy: “Yeah, man. They gotta make sure their skin is all perfect.” *starts doing a valley girl imitation and leaves the store”

Me: “What just happened?”

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Allspark Almighty

| USA | Geeks Rule, Holidays

(This conversation takes place over IM, with a friend of mine who lives out of state. Note: my mother collects Nativity sets, while I, being a nerd, collect Transformers figures.)

Me: “We spent all day decorating the house for Christmas. We also counted up all my mom’s Nativity sets. She has at least eleven.”

Friend: “Wow, that’s a lot of Jesuses.”

Me: “Yeah… she said at one point that they should make a Transformers Nativity.”

Friend: “Haha… so who would be Jesus?”

Me: “Probably Rodimus Prime.” *sudden brainstorm* “Or Optimus Prime, seeing as he has experience dying and coming back to life.”

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Everyone Else Is From Mexico

| MA, USA | Bigotry, Language & Words, Popular

(I’m doing my grocery shopping while listening to music on headphones. I notice an old man on a scooter glaring at me and realize I’m singing along to the song softly but audibly. Thinking this is why he’s mad I stop but when I lower my headphones to apologize I catch the tail end of his comment. For the record, I’m white.)

Old Man: *mumble mumble* “…back to Mexico!”

Me: *laughing a little* “Excuse me?”

Old Man: “You heard me!”

Me: “Sir, I was singing in Swahili…”

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Small Dog, Big Reaction

| AZ, USA | Bad Behavior, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I, my mom, my mom’s boyfriend, and my mom’s boyfriend’s son go to a park that has a green field that is supposed to have an event that we’re interested in. When we get there, we hear that the lights are broken and they have to wait until next week. We aren’t upset so we have a picnic on the grass as the kid runs around the field with a soccer ball. After awhile I hear a scream and crying. I leap up and run to the sound with my mom and her boyfriend right behind me. When I get there I see a Chihuahua biting at the kid. I run at the dog and kick it hard enough to send it flying a few feet.)

Man: “What the h*** was that for?!”

(I turn to the man very pissed. It makes my mom back away from me.)

Me: “That rat was attacking him. There is a reason dogs are meant to be on leashes.”

(The man scoffs and rolls his eyes.)

Man: “My dog would never hurt a fly!”

(I gently drag the child closer to me and ask him to pull up his sleeves showing dog bites that are bleeding slightly.)

Me: “Does this look like ‘wouldn’t hurt a fly’?”

(At this point the dog is biting at my ankles and growling at me. I look at the dog too pissed to care, and I roar at the dog, scaring it away. I look up as I see the man running away.)

Mom: “I knew you were scary but I didn’t know you were that scary.”

Mom’s Boyfriend: “Well, hot d***.”

Mom: “LANGUAGE!”