Try Some Spew-ghetti

, | ON, Canada | Bad Behavior, Dorms, Food & Drink, Health & Body

(One of my friends was at my residence house one night, very drunk, and puked on our porch. We poured water on it to wash it away, but all of the… well, chunks, remained. I am with two of my classmates and we are walking back to my residence house so that we can work on a project. One of my classmates stops the other one before we go inside.)

Classmate #1: “WAIT! You can’t come in unless you can guess what [My Name]’s friend had for dinner last night!”

Classmate #2: “Huh? How would I know—” *he looks down and sees the left over puke and immediately looks away* “EW! OH, MY GOD, LASAGNA!”

It Depends On What You Do With The Finger

| AR, USA | Funny Names, Language & Words

(I have a friend who really is very bright, but she can be an airhead sometimes, and doesn’t always know the proper word for a situation. We are sitting and talking, when she begins to poke at my face. She’s clearly just messing with me, but she accidently gets close to my eye, so I just laugh.)

Me: “[Friend], I swear, if you put my eye out, I’m going to bite your finger off.”

Friend: “You can’t do that, [My Name]! That’d be bestiality!”

(I just stare at her with no expression on my face. She laughs and goes to do something, and when she turns back around, a couple of minutes later, I am still staring at her. I can see she realizes she said the wrong thing, and she’s trying to figure out what the correct word was.)

Friend: “That’s… the right word, isn’t it?”

Me: “No! [Friend], no! Just… no, no! [Friend]!”

Friend: “Then what is it?”

Me: “Cannibalism! Cannibalism!”

Friend: *laughs* “Well, it’s the same thing!”

Me: “Thank god you’re pretty.”

When One Door Open, Another Slams Shut

| USA | Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Physical, Strangers

(I’m a French Canadian, visiting with a few friends. I have local pen-pals, a couple, who generously accepted to be our hosts, taking us in and driving us around a bit. My friends and I have a habit which apparently disturbs them; we hold open doors for whoever seems next to pass, no matter what. It’s a deep-rooted basic courtesy for us, and despite ours hosts warning to not do it, we keep doing it from instinct. Since we expect nothing out this, we brush this off. We are about to enter a place with double doors. I spot a man holding bags, and me being me, I go around the door and let the man pass. He says nothing, which I expect. I see him pass the second door and do like I did on the first one, holding it open. I think, “oh, he wants to make it even, that’s nice” so, I go to pass the door, but, once I’m engaged in, he quickly and forcefully slams the door on me. It hits my face so hard I back off. He says something I don’t hear and runs away.)

Me: “What the f***?!”

(It really hurt! My confused friends start to freak out, telling me my face is about to turn blue where it was hit. Our hosts are calm still.)

Host #1: “Well, from what he said, he didn’t take well to having a women hold a door for him, and wanted to put you back in your place.”

(I’m suddenly angry my simple kindness was met with such violence.)

Me: “WHAT?!”

Host #2: “What ‘what’? It never happened to you before?”

Me: “No! Of course not!”

Host #1: “You should just be glad you turned your face fast enough to not get a broken or bloody nose.”

(Our hosts shrugged it off, like it was normal. We found some ice, but I did get some bruises for the rest of our stay. And, no, we did not let one violent man be the representation of a whole nation. We didn’t stop holding doors open and the rest of people we did it for were appreciative.)

Making The Mouth Clean And Dirty At The Same Time

| USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I am attending my first appointment in a new dentist’s office. I’m always a little hesitant to start with a new dental group, not knowing if the new dentist and their assistants will be friendly or not. The hygienist is chatty with me in a friendly manner while she checks my teeth and enters her findings into the computer system.)

Hygienist: “Okay, so next I’ll do a quick cleaning, and then I’ll bring Dr [Dentist] in. She’s great; my absolute favorite. I’d let her do anything she wanted to me.”

(She sits up and removes the tools from my mouth.)

Hygienist: “Wow. That sounded wildly inappropriate when I said it out loud. Please forget I said that, okay?”

(I had to laugh. I think I’ll get along with this new dental group just fine!)

Barking Orders All Day

| KY, USA | Pets & Animals

(Something startles my friend’s dog, causing her to start barking.)

Friend: “Shut up.”

(The dog stops barking.)

Friend: “…Bark.”

(She resumes barking.)

Friend: “Shut up.”

(She stops barking again.)

Friend: “Bark.”

(She resumes barking.)

Friend: “Shut up.”

(She stops barking again.)

Me: *surprised* “Did you know she could do that?”

Friend: *equally surprised* “No!”