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Your Friend Is Way Out Of Disorder

| Swindon, Wales, UK | Backhanded Compliments, Health & Body, Popular

(I’m in recovery from a very serious eating disorder where I’ve not eaten more than 100 calories a day for months. Because I’m still curvy, people regularly don’t believe there was anything wrong with me. My friends, however, all know what I’m been going through. This is my first time out at an eating establishment since recovery.)

Me: “I’m kinda nervous about this. I mean, what if I forgot how to drink coffee?”

Friend: “You never forget. It’s just like falling off a log.”

Me: *reaches for a sugar cube to put in the coffee*

Friend: “Um, I thought you didn’t want to be fat? Skip the sugar.”

(Yeah, thanks. Two months of therapy down the plughole.)

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Coffee Consumption Breeds Family Assumption

| England, UK | Bad Behavior, Popular, Strangers

(We’ve just had our second child. I am exhausted; I haven’t slept properly for weeks. My wife and I share the feeds but she has been feeling worse than I, so I let her sleep through and am up every other hour. I take advantage of our youngest having a midday nap and take her out to the coffee shop around the corner.  I’m barely functioning but I manage to get to the counter and order.)

Me: “A coffee please, black.”

Cashier: “What size?”

Me: “Huh?”

Cashier: “I’m going to put you down for a large with a double shot.”

Me: “Yes, yes, that sounds good.”

Cashier: “Go sit down and I will bring it over.”

Me: “No, no, it’s fine.”

Cashier: “I insist.”

(I find a table, quickly realising that there was no way I could push a buggy and carry a hot coffee. The server brings me my drink and a small mountain of sugar. I see the elderly couple next to me turning around and talking loudly. I miss a lot of what they say until the woman turns around.)

Woman: “You know you should have waited to have children if you can’t handle it!”

(The lack of logic and rudeness wheels around my head as I try to come back in the politest way possible.)

Me: “I’m here for coffee not your opinion.”

Woman: “Typical kids, shacking up. Learn some responsibility and get a job. Sponger.”

(I am far too tired to put up with this, but this gives me some energy.)

Me: “Listen, you old bat, I have a job. A good one, in fact. And I’m not a child; I’m 30. Not that it’s any of your business but I’m giving my wife a break. I want to sit here and drink my coffee without some miserable crone making my life any more difficult.”

Woman: “Well, I never! We will see about this!”

(She storms off to the coffee shop counter. I can see that she is giving the woman an earful. I’m past caring at this point and see what happens. She returns alone grabs her things and they both leave. Just before they get out of earshot I call after them.)

Me: “If you are so much better than everyone, how come you are stealing newspapers?”

(She throws the newspaper down; embarrassed, they dart off. During the commotion my daughter wakes up and as I start to feed her the cashier turns up.)

Cashier: “Are you okay, sir?”

Me: “You know what?  I feel great. I think that was exactly what I needed.”

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Be VERY Careful Typing That Into Google

| AZ, USA | Math & Science, Pets & Animals, Popular, Strangers

(I am in the middle of a cross-country road trip in my RV, and have been stopping at places with free WiFi in the evenings to take an online continuing education course while I do so. I’ve been sitting in an armchair with my laptop and headphones for about 45 minutes when I notice that a guy about my age is trying to get my attention. I ignore him for a while but he’s distractingly insistent.)

Me: *takes off headphones* “Yes?”

Guy: “Hey, what’re you looking at there?”

Me: *turns laptop around so he can see the screen* “A swollen ferret vulva.”

Guy: “Ew, what the h***?”

Me: “I’m a vet. It’s for science.” *puts headphones back on and goes back to ignoring him*

(The guy left immediately afterwards. Never try to chat up a veterinarian unless you have a strong stomach!)

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Don’t Push It

| Australia | Backhanded Compliments, Health & Body, Popular

(A couple of friends and I are discussing bras along with their 15-year-old daughter. I am quite well endowed, while they aren’t, and often get teased about it.)

Friend: “[My Name], do you ever wear a push up bra?”

(Before I can answer the daughter pipes in.)

Daughter: “Are you kidding? She’d suffocate.”

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Needs To Try Ex-tra Hard

| CA, USA | Food & Drink, Love/Romance, Popular

(We attend a small college which is on a campus with several other religious organizations and residents, containing a lot of missionaries not familiar with the culture or other eccentric people. Most of these other people are very odd. One of them had proposed to my friend a few years back, despite no prior conversation. She tends to see him in coffee shops around campus frequently. We have just driven to a coffee shop forty minutes away and are talking about why it’s worth the drive.)

Friend: “It’s got a good environment and good coffee.”

Me: “And no one has proposed to you here.”

(My friend laughs, but then quickly looks shocked. The guy who had proposed to her has just walked out of the shop.)

Me: “So, are there any coffee shops two hours away?”

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