A Bridge Too Far

| Clemson, SC, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Transportation

(A family friend is taking a road trip of maybe eight hours, and is stopping on the way to spend the night at our house. My mom’s brother lives near his destination and she’s decided to give his phone number to our friend as an emergency contact.)

Mom: *on the phone with her brother* “I don’t expect him to call you from prison or anything. He’s not a bad kid. He’s not even a bad driver; he just has bad luck. Weird things happen to him, especially on road trips.”

(Pause. He must have asked what she meant by bad luck.)

Mom: “Well, like getting exactly halfway through a trip, when nobody from either end could reach him in under three hours, and his car breaking down. Or like the time he was working at [Local Haunted House] and the prop toilet exploded and tore his leg up. That kind of bad luck.”

(My uncle eventually agrees to be an emergency contact, but still seems skeptical about our friend’s weird luck. The friend arrives that night about 12:30.)

Friend: “Hey, guys. Sorry I’m late. A bridge collapsed onto the road I needed to take, so I detoured into [Town he isn’t familiar with] and ended up lost.”

(We gave him my cousin’s number, too.)

Should Just Stick To The Figures

| USA | Games, Gatherings

(My husband, I, and two friends are playing Pictionary. We are on an all-play space which means both teams play from the same clue and whoever guesses it first wins that round. My husband is drawing for me, and Friend #1 is drawing for Friend #2.)

Husband: *looks at clue and scoffs* “We won’t even need the timer for this one. It will be guessed in a second.”

Friend #1: “You’re right! Don’t bother flipping the timer. It’s about whoever draws quicker.”

(They laugh and get ready and have a countdown to start drawing. My husband draws a simple stick man.)

Me: “Person! Man! Woman!”

Friend #2: “People? Person! Human!”

(Both drawers circle and point at their man drawings with great emphasis.)

Me & Friend #2: “Head? Body parts? Hair?”

(We just list off everything we can think of to do with a person. If there had been a timer we would have been past it by now, but we keep playing anyway.)

Friend #1: *finally fed up, he jumps up and runs outside and runs back in and brandishes a tree branch while pointing to his man drawing*

Me & Friend #2: *at the exact same time* “Oh! Stick figure!”

(We had to replay a different word since we had said it at the same time. But who knew stick figure would be so hard to guess?)

Needs To Double Your Efforts In Math

| Geneva, Switzerland | Family & Kids, Math & Science

(I’m at the 12th birthday party of a friend with my six-year-old son.)

Friend: “Hey, how old is your son now?”

Me: “He’s six. It’s easy; he’s half the age of the birthday girl”.

Another Mum: “Yes, for this year only, she’s twice his age”.

Friend: “No, no, it’ll happen again! When she’s 24, he’ll be 12!”

Me: “Uh, nope, he’ll be 18! Maths is not your thing, I think!”

No One Changes The Subjects As Much As Gaston!

| Norway | Geeks Rule, LGBTQ, Movies & TV

(My best friend [BFF] has recently moved in with her boyfriend [BF], and I’m at their place along with BFF’s twin sister [Friend #1], [BF]’s twin sister [Friend #2] and her husband [Friend #3], and [BF]’s older brother [Friend #4]. We’ve been watching a movie, and are now talking about how a certain Disney movie will feature a gay character.)

Friend #3: “Ironically, the actor playing Gaston is actually gay.”

Friend #2: “Who’s playing Gaston?”

Me: “Luke Evans. He’s the guy in The Hobbit who looked more like Orlando Bloom than Orlando Bloom did in The Hobbit.”

Friend #4: “That was the guy who was the father, right? Oh, he was like a real-life Orlando Bloom!”

BFF: “Wait, Orlando Bloom is a father?”

Me: “Yeah, he has a kid with that model, Miranda Kerr, I think?”

Friend #1: “I thought he was dating Katy Perry? He’s just like her ex, by the way.”

Me: “Did you just compare Orlando Bloom to Russell Brand?”

Friend #2: “Who’s that?”

Me: “British comedian; he was in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.”

Friend #3: “Oh, yeah, that guy. Yeah, I don’t see the similarities either. Well, maybe the hair, but not personality-wise.”

Me: “Funnily enough, I think he too has a kid now.”

BF: “I’m confused; how did we get from watching Yes Man to Russell Brand having a kid?”

It Depends On What You Do With The Finger

| AR, USA | Funny Names, Language & Words

(I have a friend who really is very bright, but she can be an airhead sometimes, and doesn’t always know the proper word for a situation. We are sitting and talking, when she begins to poke at my face. She’s clearly just messing with me, but she accidently gets close to my eye, so I just laugh.)

Me: “[Friend], I swear, if you put my eye out, I’m going to bite your finger off.”

Friend: “You can’t do that, [My Name]! That’d be bestiality!”

(I just stare at her with no expression on my face. She laughs and goes to do something, and when she turns back around, a couple of minutes later, I am still staring at her. I can see she realizes she said the wrong thing, and she’s trying to figure out what the correct word was.)

Friend: “That’s… the right word, isn’t it?”

Me: “No! [Friend], no! Just… no, no! [Friend]!”

Friend: “Then what is it?”

Me: “Cannibalism! Cannibalism!”

Friend: *laughs* “Well, it’s the same thing!”

Me: “Thank god you’re pretty.”

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