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Makes Her Problems Grow With This One Easy Trick!

| USA | Neighbours, Technology

(There is an old lady who has no family left and is very lonely. She just turned 79. My family visits her every Saturday. She has tech problems and is often targeted by scammers. My mom tells her not to answer the phone if she doesn’t know the number. My brother and I are home-schooled. I am doing algebra when the phone rings. My mom answers it.)

Mom: “Oh, hi, [Old Lady]… Yes… Oh, no… Oh, good! But— Oh… I see… I’ll be there in twenty minutes. DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING.” *hangs up* “[My Name], you’re in charge. I’ll be right back.”

Me: “What happened?”

Mom: “[Old Lady] got a call from an unknown number. She didn’t answer it.”

Me: “Good, so what’s the problem?”

Mom: “[Old Lady] called back.”

Me: “…”

Mom: “Now I have to cancel her credit card.”

(On another day, my brother and I are playing a board game when my mom comes up.)

Mom: “Hey, [My Name], [Brother]?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Mom: “[Old Lady] literally just fell for the Nigerian Prince scam. I’ll be back.”

(She leaves. My brother smacks his head against his hand repeatedly.)

Brother: “Nigeria doesn’t even have a prince. It’s a f****** democracy.”

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Presidential Debate: Lip-Sync For Your Life

| Lancaster, PA, USA | LGBTQ, Politics

(My friends are discussing the upcoming election.)

Friend #1: “I’m going to write in RuPaul’s name. It’s about time we had a drag queen president.”

Friend #2: “That would actually be very practical. He could be both president and first lady!”

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Jehovah’s Witless, Part 10

| Germany | Religion, Strangers

(My family and I live in a very rural area, so the only people that ever come to visit is either my extended family, very close friends, or the postman, who only comes around in the afternoon. Thus, I’m very relaxed about opening the door; or at least I used to be. My friend has stayed over and we watched movies all night and made a mess. One morning I open the front door to find what I assumed to be a really cute gay couple with a little boy standing in front of it. I’m only wearing my pyjamas, consisting of boxer shorts and a short crop top, since it’s summer and pretty warm. Utterly confused as to why a gay couple with a child would ring my doorbell at eight am on the weekend, I greet them.)

Me: “Good morning.”

Them: “Good morning… Uh… is… now not a good time?”

Me: “Actually, you woke me up.”

Them: “Oh. Sorry.”

(I now assume them to be new neighbours, since the house closest to ours was sold recently, to a couple with a son, as far as I knew.)

Them: “I guess we’ll come back later.”

Me: “That would be nice, sorry.”

Them: “Here.” *giving me some kind of brochure and retreating*

(I close the door and stumble back inside, to where my friend has woken up.)

Friend: “Who was that?”

Me: “Gay couple with kid. Probably our new neighbours.”

(I drop down to the sofa next to her and look at the brochure, going completely pale. She takes it from my hands. It is very obviously about something religious, and the realization that I basically answered the door half naked to a RELIGIOUS couple with a child sinks in. My best friend takes the brochure.)

Friend: “They weren’t a couple. They were Jehovah’s Witnesses.”

Related:
Jehovah’s Witless, Part 9
Jehovah’s Witless, Part 8
Jehovah’s Witless, Part 7

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Said With Surgical Weirdness

| Portland, OR, USA | Bizarre/Silly

(My friend and I are texting. It’s probably 1:30 am – 2:00 am, so both of us are extremely tired and are at that point when you’re tired that you say crazy things. This happens:)

Friend: “Snakes will rule the world!”

Friend: “Along with surgeons.”

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They’re Not Trolling You

| OR, USA | Backhanded Compliments, Health & Body, Popular

(My twin sister has a friend who has Asperger’s. We all went through school together until he was put into a special program in high school and my sister lost touch with him. They’ve recently reconnected, and he’s exactly as we both remembered. He has come to pick her up to hang out. About a month and a half ago, I had dyed my hair silver and purple. The silver has faded and the purple has bled down and started to fade to blue.)

Friend: “Your sister’s hair reminds me of a troll.”

Sister: “What?!”

Friend: “Or that she just didn’t get a very good dye job.”

Sister: “[Friend]! That’s rude!”

Friend: “Oh.” *turns to me and shrugs* “Sorry.”

Me: “It’s fine. It was dyed almost two months ago, so I know it doesn’t look that great.”

Friend: “Oh, that’s why it looks so bad.”

Sister: *sighs*

(They left, and I went about my day, more amused than anything. I knew he wasn’t trying to be mean, and quite frankly my hair didn’t look as great as it did when I first got it dyed. I just hoped he meant that I looked like a troll doll with the color of my hair and not ugly.)

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